My Journal

Am I Liked?

5/22/20

I've been staying at my boyfriend's house with his family since the 15th. We've watched shows and movies, played Nintendo games, and gone swimming in his pool. While I've been having fun, I often wonder how his family perceives me. I'm a very shy, very quiet girl who is horrible at small talk. Among my boyfriend's family, I feel awkward and bland, but my boyfriend swears that his family likes me. His three brothers seem to enjoy my presence, but I'm not sure how his parents feel. His mom in particular is very hard to read. Sometimes I imagine his parents discussing how awkward I am in their bedroom. "Why doesn't she speak? She can eat but can't speak?"

Last night, my boyfriend's dad was upset with my boyfriend and me because we decided against soaking in the hot tub after he had already warmed it up an hour prior. He told us that it costs money to heat up the hot tub and that it was a waste to have warmed it up for no reason. We apologized, and he forgave us, though he was still annoyed. I was anxious for hours after the incident because I felt like even more of a burden than before. My boyfriend's parents drove an hour to and from my mom's apartment to avoid me having to ride public transportation during the pandemic, provided meals for me three times a day since I arrived, and are allowing me to stay in their home until the 27th. Meanwhile, I have nothing to offer them besides my company. I can't help but wonder if they feel as if I am taking advantage of them.

My boyfriend and I talked about my worries last night. He told me that I am projecting my insecurities onto them—and he's right. I am extremely insecure about being shy and reserved. My ex-best friend from college once told me that I can come across as intimidating, and I've been worried about others' perception of me since. Despite my boyfriend swearing that his parents like me, I won't let myself believe that they do because I don't like myself. And that's something that I need to work on. I need to believe that I am a likeable person before I can accept that I am liked.

Since our talk, I've been pushing myself to spend more time around my boyfriend's family rather than isolating myself with my boyfriend is his room. My boyfriend and I are going swimming with his brothers soon. Then we'll have lunch and do some coloring while we digest our food. The more time I spend with his family, the more they can get to know the shy girl that my boyfriend is dating.