My Journal

Between Her Legs

July 10, 2019

My ex and I broke off our online relationship about three years ago, but I still check his and his new girlfriend's social media regularly. Yesterday afternoon, his girlfriend posted a picture of him positioned between her legs; he was seemingly resting his head on her stomach. In the comments, he claimed that he had been giving her great head, but she shot him down, clarifying that he had only been napping on her lap. He probably gave her head before she snapped the photo, though.

But none of this should matter. They're just two little specks—right?

As of right now, I can't identify the emotion that I am feeling. I think I'm annoyed because my ex was never as vocal about our relationship as he is about his new one. In fact, he did not even refer to me as his girlfriend even though we were in a committed relationship for nine months. Everyone knew we were exclusive, even his brother.

Rather than explain what happened between my ex and me, I've decided to attach some unsent letters that I've addressed to him for context:

2016

Dear J*****,

I haven't talked to you in almost two months. I do admit, I kinda miss having someone as close as you were to me, but I understand that this space is needed. I'm still hurting a little at this point, but I'm doing better. I think it still hurts because you are my first love. I really meant it when I told you that I loved you, but I'm not sure if you did. I really miss our late-night Skype sessions the most. Those are some of the most vivid memories I have. I still remember the night you told me that story about you slipping on some ice while trying to talk to the girl you liked. That was before things got serious with us, before the fighting, before the drama. I still care about you, and I hope you've been enjoying your life since we ended things as much as I have. I've taken up a new hobby: illustrating. I love my summer job. I turned sixteen last week. Things have been going well for me despite everything that's happened. I thought I'd never recover.
How are you? What have you been doing? I wonder about you a lot. Have you been feeling less depressed and angry? I remember you being in a bad mood a lot, and I wonder if you've been feeling better since we've ended things. I hope so.

1/2/19

Dear J*****,

I write to you to avoid reaching out to you. I still think about you, just not in the way that you may be assuming. I'm wondering if you're hurting. I'm hoping you're hurting. I should've been meaner to you when we spoke last August. I should've shown you these letters. How dare you claim I hurt you? How dare you call me "immature and dumb" behind my back, just 'cause I didn't wanna talk to you about my sex life? (How dare you even ask about my sex life?) I regret being so nice to you. I've allowed you to walk all over me since we started talking over three years ago. Well, it's 2019 now, a new year. I will never speak to you again, not unless you reach out to me respectfully and politely. I don't owe you a damn thing, not my time, not an explanation, and definitely not a description of my sex life. Understand? Whenever I have the urge to reach out to you, I'll write.

1/4/19

Dear J*****,

I settled for you, not knowing that I deserved more. You'd never let me play S******* with you 'cause I "wasn't skilled enough." You'd make J***** lie about you being asleep to avoid talking to me. You disabled your read receipts so you could comfortably ignore me for hours with no explanation. You broke my trust permanently after flirting with L***. You didn't try to resolve conflict after an argument 'cause I'd "always come running back." Worst of all, you told everyone you were single, which made me look and feel stupid. Why did I tolerate you for so long? Looking back, I should've left after that fiasco with L***. Thankfully, though, you disappeared after our breakup, which allowed me to have the space I needed to grow, let go, and meet someone who knows my worth. Now, as I flourish in a healthy relationship, I know what real, reciprocated love feels like.

6/10/19

Dear J*****,

I remember what it was like to be with you. I remember the good and bad. As I observe your relationship from the outside, I can't help but wonder if you're the same partner you were three years ago. You guys seem happy together, always smiling and joking, but is it a façade? I don't remember you as the emotional type; I always compared you to a rock, lacking empathy and emotion. Perhaps she brings out the best in you.