My Journal

Anxiety

3/16/20

HOW do I possibly explain everything that has happened since I've last written? My life is a f*cking movie! It's seven a.m right now; anxiety woke me up. Okay, I know I'm not gonna be able to narrate all that has happened since my last entry, so I'll make a list of the most influential events of each month in order:

January 2020:

• I (sorta) lose my virginity? I didn't sleep well for a month after because I convinced myself that I was pregnant (even though we used a condom and I only let him penetrate me for ten seconds).

February 2020:

• I learn that my ex considers me "the one that got away" and that he's been dating girls that remind him of me since 2018.

• My online-to-IRL boyfriend commits to a great university that is a 20-min bus ride away from my university. Don't even say it! I've heard it already.

- Huge fight with my mom. I didn't call her for a month and a half.

- A guy befriends me and—despite knowing that I am in a 3-year committed relationship—confesses that he has a crush on me four days after meeting me.

March 2020:

• I start a YouTube channel. It's growing so fast! My most recent video just hit 2k views.

• COVID-19 pandemic. Campus closes. Students will continue the semester online.

Apparently journaling will help relieve my anxiety, so here's what's currently stressing me out in order of significance:

1. I need a PAID summer internship. If I don't get one, I will likely not have a job directly after graduation and enough savings to move away from my parents, meaning I will lose my f*cking mind.

2. Despite having a license, I do not know how to drive, making it 10,000x harder to get a paid summer internship.

3. I can't decide if I will live at my mom's new house or my dad's house (which are in two different states) during the summer, which makes it hard to decide which internships to apply for. If I stay with my mom, it will be harder to practice driving because my mom is too anxious to ride with me. But if I stay with my dad, I'll probably get SICK because his house is a mess. (I'm talking dog urine stains, rodent feces, dusty rooms!) I lived in that house last summer and got depressed. I vowed to never live there again, but I told him that I would get an internship near his house and practice driving with him this summer because I had temporarily forgotten how impossible it is to live there. Obviously, I'm leaning toward living with my mom who will have a new, clean house in a gated community. Since my sister's learning to drive this summer, perhaps my mom will be more willing to practice. Plus, I can apply for remote internships and work from home. But I'm so worried about hurting my dad's feelings 'cause he really misses my sister and me, and he seemed excited for me to come home for the summer. It's such a dilemma! I know what is best for me, but I don't want to hurt my dad.

4. I need to find an apartment near my university next year (which my dad is paying for) because I will not be living in the dorms. Since I'm living off-campus, I need to be able to drive because public transportation isn't totally reliable, so I have no choice but to practice driving this summer, which is terrifying because I still don't have a good sense of spatial awareness in my car. If I live with my mom this summer, I could perhaps stay with my dad during April and May and practice driving enough to be able to drive comfortably by the end of May?

5. F*cking COVID-19. I'm not too worried about catching the it myself; I'm more worried about passing it to my sister who is immunocompromised due to the medication she takes for her chronic disease.