My Journal

All I Want for Christmas is...

12/13/22 - 2:13 AM

All I want for Christmas is a friend.

I'm a friend to a few people, but no one is a friend to me.

I give so much of myself to others, yet I don't feel as if I can turn to anyone but my boyfriend when I need a kind and compassionate ear.

Why doesn't anyone check in on me? Wish me well on holidays? Send me the occasional text to let me know that they're here if I need them?

I expect nothing in return when I do these things, but I can't help but feel as if I'm single-handedly holding each of my friendships together.

I bet if stopped reaching out, my friendships would fade away completely.

Perhaps I should just accept that my friends and I are drifting apart. Or that we have already drifted apart.

And that would make sense, considering all of my friends are hundreds of miles away. There's nothing like in-person communication, and texts just don't cut it anymore.

Plus, we are young adults with jobs and bills. Five to ten year-old long-distance friendships between 22 year-olds aren't exactly easy to maintain, especially if only one person cares to.

I need to accept that it is over. I've been so reluctant to let go of these friendships because it is incredibly difficult for me to make new ones. I'd rather hopelessly cling to old high school friendships than endure the awkward and uncomfortable process of making new friends.

But I'm scared of being truly alone. Once I stop reaching out, those bridges will truly be burned. Then I will really have no one to turn to but the man that I'm fucking.

I just want to connect with someone who is not in love with me. I'm starting to wonder if I am capable of having a close and beautiful friendship with someone who is not love with me.

Well, there's my cousin. We're pretty much best friends, but we've been close since we were very young. I want to have a strictly platonic friendship with a non-family member.

Goodnight. My eyes are burning. I've been writing for too long.