My Journal

I Will Become a New Person

7/17/22 - 5:08PM

Not sure where to start. I've deleted all of the dopaminergic apps from my phone, and once my boyfriend gets home, I'll turn off iMessage. I'm shooting for a week without all that damning stimulation. My mind can't rest. I constantly need to be preoccupied with something. My life has changed immensely in the past months and for the better. But this entry's not about that. This entry is about my change. I need to escape this hell that we've created. My mind is flooded with everything: beautiful faces, information, tips, tricks, shoulds and should-nots. I want to think for myself again! I want to be able to lie in bed with absolutely no stimulation and just think. I tried that today. I tried to lie down and do absolutely nothing. I did this for a couple of minutes, but I found myself wanting to Google something about a certain thought I had.  Or I thought of a great idea or a revelation and had the urge to post a tweet about it. I couldn't just sit with it because I wanted to share it. I wanted to make a TikTok about it! Ironically, I was thinking about how social media satisfies that human urge to connect with others without actually doing so. Remember, I wanted to tweet about my thoughts or make TikToks about them, not have interesting discussions with my friends or family. Social media is the lazy way of connecting. And it's not a great way either. 

I clutched my phone in my chest, wanting to do something with my thoughts.  I felt so on edge, despite doing nothing. I needed something to do, and it had only been less than five minutes. Really! My mind is so addicted to stimulation, it's sick. My heart was pounding. My chest was tight. Why couldn't I relax? Because lying in silence is boring, and if you're bored, it means you're doing something wrong. Right? You should be enjoying yourself 24/7—right? Immersing yourself in all that life has to offer? Matcha green tea, tiny neon bikinis, saturated skies over the ocean? That's what everyone else is doing—right? Clearly no one's life is perfect, but with the rise of TikTok, it seems that if you're not doing something with every minute of your day, you're wasting time. Because time is what anyone wants nowadays. Our generation is well-aware of how privileged one is to have the free time to do whatever they would like. Fortunately, I've got plenty of it with the work that I do (more on that in another entry). So because I have this precious time, the last thing I should do is lie on my bed and do nothing! At least that's how I feel.

I know this isn't true. Down time is important. I know this. Don't we all? So why's it so hard to take it? And no, I don't consider scrolling through TikTok down time. I mean real, quality down time. No stimulation from screens. Just time in my head. They say that this time fosters creativity, and I believe it! I decided to take my aforementioned break from stimulation during this forced time in my head. During this time, I've decided to really, truly change. Really and truly. And that starts by taking a break from the largest form of mind-numbing stimulation that I own—my f*cking iPhone.