My Journal

Indecision

4/2/20 — 12:53 a.m

Okay, okay. One thing that you should know about me is that I am extremely indecisive. Remember what I wrote about in my last entry? That I'm moving in with my dad next month? Turns out, I'm only visiting him in my hometown for a couple of weeks before I return here back to live with my mom and sister in our new house for the rest of the summer. Please don't judge me! It's just, the day after I wrote that entry—yesterday—I visited the new house for the first time. It's a three-bedroom house in a nice gated community. My soon-to-be room is the perfect size, and it's got beautiful natural light. Plus, my mom let me practice driving around the neighborhood afterward. She said we can do that more often because it's "safer" to practice around there.

I feel really guilty because, while I'm still visiting my dad in early June, I'm not staying with him for the rest of the summer. He sounded so happy when I booked my flight! He's alone in our old house with only our dog for company, and I just—I feel horrible. He asked if my sister was visiting too, but she doesn't want to; she'd rather stay here with her boyfriend. You guys should know that I'm an empath, so I can feel his pain in my chest. Or maybe it's just a mixture of guilt and pity? Regardless of what I'm feeling, it hurts. That's why I'm writing, to release these emotions onto a page.

I've been reading the posts within the r/anxiety community on Reddit for advice on how to deal with my anxiety. I suspect that I've had Generalized Anxiety Disorder for years. I do not want to take medication, so I've been trying to alleviate my symptoms in other ways. So many people swear that journaling helps, so I'm trying to write consistently again. I'be definitely been experiencing some major anxiety during these past couple of days, and I would do anything for a sense of clarity and control. Can anyone else relate?