My Journal

Raw Thoughts and Revelations

8/21/22 - 10:26 PM

Since moving back home after my boyfriend's internship ended last week, I've had a lot of time to myself. My mother is in a different state, and my sister moved out in July. That leaves me here, in a big house, all alone. I usually love alone time, but lately I've been feeling very lonely. I miss my boyfriend, but I know that I need to learn to live on my own. I've not had much in-person human interaction, with the exception of my sister and a brief interaction with my boyfriend and his family. I plan to take a trip to the pool tomorrow. Hopefully I'll make a new friend there. 

I've been contemplating becoming a lifestyle vlogger on TikTok. 

Oh, did I mention that I am a full-time YouTuber at the moment? To get you caught up, I graduated in May, lived with my boyfriend for three months throughout the duration of his internship, and now I'm living at home. My income comes from YouTube and (mostly) Patreon. I make enough to buy groceries, gas, and whatever else I need, and I can pay my mom the $300 that she requests each month for rent. 

Anyway, I've been considering vlogging on TikTok and have actually posted a couple of food-related videos. But today, I thought long and hard about why I have the urge to post on TikTok. 

It's becoming obsessive. I find myself planning my days according to how aesthetically pleasing they would look on TikTok. And I realized that I'm developing a bad habit of living my life for others before I've even taken off. I'm so focused on growing my account, but why? Why do I want this? Do I even want this? 

I was watching the Instagram highlights of a lifestyle blogger with the most aesthetically pleasing life that I've ever seen. She has it all together! Everything! Her life is so beautiful. And it seems much too elaborate to be a façade. I believe that she truly leads the lifestyle that she posts. 

I was fascinated by her food highlights in particular. Her meals are so healthy and complex. Even though I eat very well, I began to feel as if my meals weren't good enough, weren't pretty enough. I don't put bright beet chunks and chia seeds in my salads. And I have yet to make cozy homemade soup. Suddenly, I felt the urge to make a new grocery list with foods that would make my own TikTok feed look more beautiful. But those foods weren't necessarily my favorites.

That's when I realized that... I am perfectly fine. 

I am perfectly fine. I have everything that I need right here, right now, to be happy and content. I have a fun and creative job that I absolutely love. I live in gated community with a neighborhood pool and safe walking trail. I'm able to order whatever I'd like with a few clicks. I have a car that is fully paid for in the garage. I'm debt-free. I'm in a healthy, happy long-term relationship. Both of my parents are alive and well. I'm loved and cared for and safe.

I could use some friends, but I have the means to find some. More on that later.

In short, I am perfectly fine. 

I don't need more of anything. My life does not need to be on display. Truthfully, I think a big reason that I wanted to do TikTok is to simply share my life with others. I want to experience things with other people: my morning walks, my meals, my thoughts and revelations. As I mentioned, I've been feeling very lonely. My boyfriend is away at college, and I'm here all by myself. I don't want to become a lifestyle vlogger; I just want some friends. 

I'm so shy and reluctant to leave the comfort of my own home, but I'm going to the pool tomorrow to get my feet wet (literally and figuratively). I hope that there's someone there that is looking for a friend, too. I want to eat dinner in front of the TV with a friend. I want to go to the movie theater with a friend. I want to take walks and have brunch and gossip with a friend. 

I just want friends.