My Journal

I'm a Fraud

3/5/21 - 9:19 P.M

I don't know how to not take things personally. I have social anxiety and low self-esteem. I'm overly sensitive. I always feel embarrassed around other people. I feel judged. I feel like I have to be perfect, a perfectly kind, gentle, and warm girl. And sometimes, I'm not that girl. Sometimes I can be very self-absorbed and cynical and arrogant but God forbid someone other than those I trust find out that I'm anything less than an angel.

Today I had a meeting with a professor at my university who does professional voice-over and man, she's talented. To say I was intimidated is an understatement. I felt so self-conscious, especially because I, a complete noob, was asking an experienced professional with a master's in acting about how to get into the field. And sure, it sounds completely normal in words but the experience was terrifying. And you know what the problem is? The problem is that the experience was a completely normal one. I mean, newbies people meet with professionals in their preferred field all the time. It's called networking. But... I just felt so small and inferior. And this isn't an isolated incident. No, this happens pretty often when I talk with people in some higher position than mine. It happened with another professor not too long ago, when I asked for clarification about a problem. I just... I can see the judgement in their eyes. I can see the disapproval. I felt as if the professor that I met with today found it humorous that I want to pursue a voice acting career with no acting experience. And I felt as if she felt sorry for me. There's a rational voice in my brain telling me that she understands that everyone starts somewhere, but a louder voice is telling me to give up before I embarrass myself. And I know this kind of thinking is unhealthy, but how do I stop it!? It's my f*cking brain! I can't escape my f*cking brain! And that other professor, he thinks I can't do basic math. He thinks I'm an idiot, that I'm an embarrassment to him, one of the few Black professors at my college, and the other Black guy in my class...

...Or do I think this?

I want confidence, the kind I had in elementary school when I was unapologetically myself! I was a friggin' cheerleader. I did gymnastics. Hung out with my friends. Confessed to my crushes. Lived life in the moment. But now? Sure, I'm enjoying the world I've created for myself in my mind, but I wish I could function in the real world, at least for a little while.

And about that little rant at the beginning of the entry? Well, long-story-short, I'm in a group on Discord. Everybody there thinks I'm soo sweet and cool and pretty, but they don't know that I'm a mess. And I like that. I don't talk in voice chat aside from a few hi's because I don't want to expose myself. I don't want them to learn my flaws. I'm actually an egotistical, arrogant, fragile b*tch—but they can't know that.

And I was on VC today, muted, trying to get someone's attention in the VC text chat, and someone said "Don't force people to speak." Okay, that's fair. I shouldn't have pressured them to speak. But in that moment, I felt so gross, like scum between the tiles on a floor. My stomach turned as soon as I saw that message, and immediately I wanted to cry. That's insane! And I need help. I need to be able to take direct criticism, especially because I'm pursuing a career in voice acting. But why am I so goddamn sensitive? I took that person's comment as a personal attack. And I know it wasn't but I don't feel like it wasn't.

Discord is currently deleted from my phone. I really need help. Therapy, perhaps. But what the hell is therapy going to do that articles online can't? I mean, I can read exactly what therapists are going to tell me for free. What can therapy do that I can't do alone?