Sister protection program

4 • car rides

I take a really long shower mostly to cover my tears.
This is just too much.
I miss Sam so much. I don't know how I can do this without him.
These boys are just reminding me of him and want to replace him. They just expect me to go along with this so they don't feel guilty. Maybe it's even a way they are dealing with grief. They are the closet thing I have to Sam, but I suppose I am also the closet they have to Sam.

But that does not give them the right to barge into my life like this.

After a long shower I slip on the clothes they put me in last night. Oh god. They undressed me last night and saw me nearly necked. I drag a hand down my face. Fuck.

I slowly open the bathroom door.
"Lillian!" I hear called out up the hall, I sigh.
I follow it to see an open bedroom door with the guys laid out on both twin beds, Micheal and Ashton playing video games on the tv against the wall, Luke and Calum on their phones.

They turn off the game and all look to me awkwardly patting a spot on a bed. I slowly walk in and sit down.
"Lillian are you ok?" Luke asks.
I nod not making eye contact.

"You're not." Ashton says after a while. I nod again with tears threatening to come. Micheal beside me side hugs me when he sees this. "But that's ok." Micheal whispers.
"We are all grieving, remember that." Calum says rubbing my back. "We all miss him." Luke whispers.

"We're sorry we brought up you moving in. It was too soon. We just-"
"I want to go to my dorm." I quietly interrupt wiping a tear. The boys hesitantly nod. "Do you want one of us to drive you?" Ashton looks up.
"No, I can call my suitemate. I don't need you guys. Where is my phone?" I ask after realizing I haven't seen my phone around.

"Along the wall charging" Micheal pointed.
I think about if I should say thank you or not for the kind gesture of charging my phone but I decide against it after just telling them that I don't need them.

I grab my phone then sit on the bed again and call Aubrey.
Voice mail.
I call again.
Voice mail.
Voice mail.
Dammit Aubrey.

Calum looks at me as the others start continue their video game.
"Do you need me to take you? I don't mind" Calum offers. "No I don't-" I start
"Dammit Lillian just let us take you home it's not a big deal! Let us help!" Michael states pressing a button on his controller. I am taken back by his tone but then slowly nod in defeat looking out the window at the Sydney coast.
"Yeah. I guess I need a ride."

We walk in silence out to their garage and get in his baby blue Jeep.
"Listen Lillian-" Calum starts when we get on the road. "Calum, please. I really don't want to hear about Sam or talk about it" I sigh cutting him off, being honest.
"Of course" he mumbles looking out the window.

I notice how beautiful Sydney is. All of the palm trees and skyscrapers.
I would like to live here someday, just not with these boys.
I mean, they were jerks.

Suddenly Calum lets down the windows and plugs his phone to the aux.
"Calum what are you-"
"I'm cheering you up!" He gleams and
'Party in the USA' starts to play, I can't help but to laugh.

It was the first time I've laughed in a long time. Calum and I screamed all the lyrics to the top of our lungs and I waved my arms out the window.

He rolls up the windows half way after the song is over.
"Are you hungry?" He asks not turning to me. "What?"
"I said are you hungry" he sates again this time looking over at me.
"No not-" "we're getting food. You need to eat." He cuts me off.
"What makes you think I'm hungry?"
"You didn't eat anything this morning at breakfast you haven't eaten anything all day."
I couldn't protest. I supposed I was hungry, I was just distracted by my massive hangover from last night.

We stop and get food through a drive through soon after. We had a competition of who could drink their milkshake the fastest.
"Cheater" he mumbles when I win.

Calum suddenly looks over at me.
"What?"
"Nothing." He looks back.

We eventually pull up to my dorm. "Thank you Calum" I say genuinely. 
"Anytime you just need to get out, just call" he smiles.
He looks at me for a moment, then looks at my lips.
Wait. The lips.
No fucking way.