Passion.

Chapter Twenty Nine

"That was good, but we're still not together." I tell Roan while getting ready to leave the bathroom. "I know." He says, stiffly. "So now what?" I ask. "Answer your text later, and we can come up with a plan." A plan? "What kind of plan?" I ask, confused. He winks and leaves the restroom. Alright, that was odd. But I do feel refreshed. I get dressed and wipe my lipstick off, it's to smudged to be presentable. I walk out of the bathroom and Reggie shoots me a knowing look. He knows what we just did, but I don't care. I don't care about much right now because I genuinely feel empowered. I walk over to Demetria and she says "Hey! Where'd you go? It's been a good thirty minutes I haven't seen you." I smirk at my flashbacks to two seconds ago with Roan's hot skin burning on mine. "I had to take care of something. Do me a favor, tell Logan I was never really interested in him, but he should ask that girl for her number. I'm going to call for a cab, I really want to go home. It's been fun though." She frowns. "You sure you okay sis?" I smile. "Yes, really. I'm actually feeling so relaxed." I say, genuinely.
When I get home, I actually am exhausted and can not wait to go to sleep. It's been quite a night. Just as I tuck myself into bed, I hear a text notification from my phone. The message Reads:
Roan: I have a proposition.
His formality is comical.
Me: Okay. What is your proposition?
Roan: Partners? No emotions. For real this time, just sex. Pure, filthy, sex.
Hm. This sounds like quite the deal.
Me: You sure you could handle that Mr.Smith?
Roan: I handled you well tonight, no?
Me: Yes. I'll fuck you any time, any place, any chance I get. On one condition.
Roan: Which is?
Me: David comes along for the ride. No dates. We don't even have to speak to each other. I just want to fuck both of you in every way imaginable.
I hope he finds my brutal honesty appealing.
Roan: Quite the deal. I accept. See you tomorrow, Claire.
He does.
So fuck buddies. A purely sexual connection. I'm good with that, if sex is the only thing that will connect Roan, David, and I together, without anyone trying to kill us, I'm perfectly fine with that. I go to sleep in a peaceful state.
The Next Morning
I wake up blissful. Breaking me out of that bliss, I go over to my phone and read a horrible text from Demetria. "It's your mom. Call me." Mom. I haven't spoken or even thought about the woman in months. I simply haven't cared. But even through my sisters text, I could hear a tone. Something's wrong. I drop everything I'm doing and call Demi. "What's wrong? What happened?"
"She's gone Claire. Alexis killed herself yesterday."
My heart shatters. Alexis killed her self. My mother is dead. Gone. Forever. No reconciling our relationship, no forgiving, there's nothing left to say or do. "Alexis killed herself," keeps replaying in my mind. She killed herself. Guilt and blame crushes upon my shoulders like a pile of bricks. I had no idea what she was going through. I hadn't even reached out to help. I could've stopped this. I could've saved her. I drop the phone to the floor and grab my keys. I have to drive to my old house. I get in my car and speed up my driving. When I finally get there, I see a bunch of cops outside. I rush in, and even though people try to stop me, I manage to push past screaming "My moms in there!" I walk in and see her. Alexis' dead body on the floor. She's lifeless, with blood all over. She stabbed herself to death. My soul is crushed. Beside her is a note with her hand writing on it. It's quite long, and I take it. I'm not letting the police just throw it out. But wait, why are the police here anyway? I leave my mother and go outside. An officer approaches me and with tears streaming down my face I ask why he's here. He tells me it was just to rule out her death being a homicide, since she was lying here dead for a full twenty four hours. I run back in the house and drop to my knees in front of her body. I just want to hug her. I just want to tell her I love her, because even though we had our arguments and we didn't have a good relationship, she was still my mother. I never got a chance to say goodbye. So I sob. I cry and I cry and I cry in a way I can't explain. My chest hurts. "I'm so sorry mom. I'm sorry for all of it. I love you. I've always loved you." I pour out my emotions and I feel like I'm erupting. I don't know how to feel. She put me through so much. The pain she's caused me will always be with me. Every horrid thing and every hurtful action will remain with me. But she's also the fun mother I remember playing with when I was little. The mother who taught me how to swim. The mother who lit up my imagination with Barbie dolls. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I have so much hatred built up, but also so much love. I hug my mom and kiss her on the cheek. She did this. She killed her self, and maybe it was because of me. Demetria bursts through the door and takes me off of her. "They have to take her away now. I'll set up her funeral Claire." I wrap my arms around her and cry into her shoulder. "Can you do me a favor?" I ask through my heart break. "Anything." "Can you take me to Roan and Davids? I'm positive they haven't moved out yet, and I need to see them. I need to be comforted." "Yes." I walk away, out of my old house, and get into her car. She doesn't know everything my mother put me through. She doesn't know all the times she encouraged my eating disorder, or shattered my little confidence with her cruel words, or how she's insulted every part of my life. I hug Demetria goodbye and tell her that I will be okay. I walk into the all to familiar house and am greeted by David. He walks over and puts his arms around me and I completely fall apart. Every tear I've held in, everything I haven't let myself feel, is now spilling into his support. He lets me feel. He lets me cry and scream and get it all out. When I finally catch my breath to say something, he asks "What happened?" It's hard to get out the words, but eventually I do, "My mother, she died." I see an idea come upon his face, he thinks it's the mafia. "No, it wasn't like that, she killed herself." He lets out a breath.  "I'm so sorry." "And I don't know what to do because I don't know how to feel. You know what she said to me, you know what she did David. How do I have the right to miss her?" I plead. "Because you were her daughter. And you have the right to feel whatever you need to. It's called grieving Claire, and you're not perfect. She wasn't perfect. No one will ever be perfect. You have every right to hate her, just as much as you love her." He holds me in quietness. Nothing but my sadness filling up the room. Roan walks through the door and I leave David and jump into his arms. "Hi." I say, sobbing. I hold onto him and just wait before explaining my need for his comfort. "My mother killed her self yesterday. And as fucked up as it sounds, all I want to do is be in your arms. I left both of you because I wanted to protect you. I left you because I'm not worth your love or protection. I'm not worth you risking your life. But I just need you right now." He squeezes me and rubs my back, bringing his face to mine. "I love you. And I'm so sorry Claire." We sit. We sit and I cry. As I realize that no matter who I lose, I will have them. No matter how much I back away, they will always feel my love. I remember I have my mothers suicide letter in the back of my pocket, and I ask David and Roan to give me a minute. They leave me in peace as I open up the note.
"I don't know how I know that my daughter Claire will be reading this, but I do.
Claire, I'm so sorry for all that I've put you through in your short lifetime. I've done things to you and said things that I'm not proud of. It took me so long, to long, to realize my mistakes as a mother. I failed you in every way imaginable. I let you believe you were flawed, when I was the fucked up one. It was for my own selfish reasons that I tore you apart about your looks. My own eating disorder, my own self-image problems made me push them onto you. You are a great daughter, and an even better person. I can't imagine the times I've made you long for the day you would see me dead. But you're not the reason I lie here. You are not the reason I did this. I did this because my guilt consumed me. Because I realized that I haven't done anything good with this life. I don't deserve for you to grieve over me. I don't deserve to be loved for the things I've done that no one knows about. I'll leave you with this:
You mean more to me than any object, and I'm so sorry I didn't make that clearer sooner. I love you."
Just like that I realize, everyone goes through something that will change their life. Her struggles changed her, and made her the bad mother she was.  But I can't hold onto her guilt. I simply have to accept what was, and move on with what is.