Figuring it Out (A Rickian Story)

The Return

Kian's POV

So I'm sitting at a white cloth covered table at a fine Paris restaurant, across from Connor and Troye, knowing they both would rather just be here with each other instead of hanging out with me. This is a really fancy place, sparkling chandeliers on the ceiling, gold accented wallpaper, tables with crystal wine glasses and full place settings, waiters in tuxes and all in a stone building that must be 100 years old. We are all wearing shirts and ties that we picked out earlier in the day because Troye said we needed them. Connor has a maroon shirt and a black tie and Troye is wearing a blue shirt and tie that match his eyes. Connor picked it out of course. I went with a black shirt and black tie. This is all Troye's idea, the restaurant, the dressing up; he said he would pay for everything as a kind of apology for his role in Ricky's drunken stupor. Troye is the sweetest boyfriend this side of, well Ricky. At least two members of O2L, Connor and JC, have this relationship thing figured out.

I look at the empty chair next to me. Ricky could be sitting there if I hadn't fucked up both our relationship and our friendship. Andrea could be sitting there too, if I had any confidence to move forward in a new relationship with her. But no, it's just me, dressed up for no-one in particular. The only good part of the evening is that at least I am with the one person with the guts to tell me I screwed up everything. He has just glared at me for two days and barely spoken to me except for bringing me to a passed-out Ricky. But somehow, I need Connor's friendship more than ever because right now it seems I only have a normal relationship with JC and that is not going to get me through this. So I have to make things right. Luckily Troye is determined to play peacemaker. He orders us all this potato soup and these incredible puff pastry appetizers along with a bottle of wine, while Connor and I sit in silence.

"It's a beautiful night lads and I want the two of you to talk and enjoy it, so a toast to friends talking out their problems." Troye says and raises his glass. All three of us toast and Connor looks me right in the eye. I'm not happy but relieved because I see sadness not anger for the first time on his face.

"Let me have it Con." I plead, "Just yell at me a little. I messed up big-time with Ricky and I've hurt you and your dreams in the process." I watch as Troye quietly puts an arm behind Connor and strokes his back gently to keep him calm.

"I'm not going to yell at you Kian. I really have no right to. What you and Ricky decide to do is your business. But it's obvious you've hurt him really bad. That wasn't normal Ricky behaviour yesterday. Our little family is still hurting badly and we have all made sacrifices to keep it together, and you have gone and messed things up. Why couldn't you make it work?" Connor asks.

"Because I realized that I'm just not gay Con. Believe me, I think I would change it if I could. I emotionally latched on to the love that Ricky was providing me because I desperately needed someone to hold on to. Believe me when I tell you I love Ricky Dillon. But I was confusing a deep emotional bond with true physical attraction and I didn't really realize it until I saw Andrea again."

"So what happens to Ricky? Trevor, JC and I have to pick up the pieces." Connor states with an edge in his voice.

"Con, I want nothing more than to be Ricky's true best friend again but we both know that is going to take time and we have a plan. We both know how strong Ricky is." I reply. It's totally true. I wish I had half the strength that Ricky has. Here I am sitting here trying to explain and defend myself when I have a broken heart too. Truth is I've never deserved what Ricky has given me or his forgiveness and I am not sure I deserve Connor's either. I've wrecked things for him as well. Things we need to talk about.

"You may be right but that doesn't make me any happier." Connor responds.

"Con, let's talk about you because I know this hurts you in other ways. But my problems with Ricky say nothing about your relationship with Troye. I know it would have been fun for us to hang out as couples but I also know that you have none of the issues in bed that Ricky and I had. You've both said as much. Troye, help me out here. I've heard how you feel about Connor. You guys are unbelievably in love."