Figuring it Out (A Rickian Story)

Trust Before Lust

Ricky's POV

Kian volunteers to drive to our lunch, which is great because it gives me more time to think about how I feel. Unfortunately Kian turns up the radio and I am not really in the mood for summer jams right now. We barely say a word to each other in the car, both processing the situation. This doesn't stress me. A big part of my friendship, relationship? with Kian is our ability to be silently in the same room or car together and still enjoy each other's presence.

Relationship is a good place to start. We are going to have to define who we are, just friends, a couple of some sort, friends with benefits....that last one is a no-go for me. That would be a disaster for our friendship and I just don't do that sort of thing.

Why have I fallen in love with my best friend? But at the same time aren't you supposed to want the person you love to be your best friend? So many thoughts. Just the thought of being physically intimate with Kian gets me going though. Could he really want that? If we acted on our feelings, would he come to regret it? Regret me?

We arrive at the restaurant. He smiles at me. I kind of melt. We go inside and Cindy and Cooper aren't there yet. We take a seat next to each other in a booth and Kian lightly throws his arm around my shoulder. "Whatever happens, we're going to be ok Rick. Our being closer is a good thing, not something to be afraid of." I still feel afraid of what I'm feeling.

Cindy and Cooper walk in and spot us. We get up and Kian hugs Cindy, while I shake Cooper's hand. Quickly Kian and Cindy become engrossed in talking about their school days and about Sam so Cooper and I go order the food at the counter.

"So you and Kian are really close." Cooper comments with a smile. I can't help but notice his smile.

"Best friends and seemingly inseparable I guess." I respond, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

"Are you a couple?" I freeze at Cooper's question. He must sense something.

"Huh, why do you ask?" I respond being non-committal. I don't really want to lie to a priest-in-training.

"I just thought you might be gay, watching you and Kian." Somehow this seems to forward to me and I begin to worry.

"What I say? That's a little presumptuous. Your not one of those pray away the gay priests looking for converts are you?" I respond with some hostility. Cooper's smile disarms me and he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"No Ricky, I'm gay. This was a pathetic attempt to figure out if I might be able to ask you out. I guess I failed badly. I'm sorry."

I am immediately relieved but confused. "But, but your studying to be a priest? How can you be gay?"

"Because God made me that way. I'm not studying to be a Catholic priest, but an Episcopal priest. The Episcopal Church is like the Church of England in the U.S. Our services may seem like Catholic ones but we are far more open to all of God's children. We follow Jesus just the same. There are several gay priests in the Episcopal Church and even a couple of gay bishops."

"Wow, I'm sorry. I misunderstood and misjudged you big time. That's an interesting church. Different from what I grew up in." I respond. Out of the corner of my eye I see Kian sneaking glances towards me and Cooper. I wonder if he can sense the nature of our discussion.

"You are welcome to come to a service any Sunday. I'll sit with you. But, um, what about the me asking you out thing?"

"I can't believe I am telling you this, but I only recently figured out that I'm bi. All of my family and friends don't even know yet. I don't think I am ready for that sort of thing yet. But I hope we can be friends." I feel guilty lying to Cooper a little, but I barely know him.