Force Destiny

Broken Bonds

The moment she was cleared to leave quarantine, Rey found Kylo's private room in the medbay. She watched him through the viewport for a moment, working up the nerve to walk inside. Kylo sat in a chair facing the large viewport, staring out at the stars. His hair was wet, curling at the ends, dripping onto the plain, blue medbay-issued clothes that were surprisingly loose on a man his size. Sitting hunched over, lost in thought, he looked younger than she had ever seen him. She would be content, she thought, just watching his chest rise and fall. They didn't need his memories; they had the rest of their lives, and they could make new ones. Eventually, she could give him her memories—through the Force—and then he would know how much they loved each other. They had eternity to figure it out.

All that matters is he's alive.

She adjusted her clothes that were perfectly presentable, delaying as long as she could. It seemed absurd to fear the man she had nearly lost forever—the man she grieved—but what if he blamed her for infecting him with the virus? Or, worse, what if he blamed her for saving him? She didn't know what to expect from a man who had been willing to die to escape her, but she imagined it would be more like a confrontation with Kylo when they first met. It would take some work, but he would come around, just as he had before. He's Ben. He loved her, and she loved him...and that was all that mattered. She had been given the chance that few others had been given; she wouldn't waste it.

With more courage than it took to face Sidious, Rey walked through the blastdoor into the room. Kylo didn't turn to greet her. She would have assumed he was watching her in the Force, but she had to remind herself that his sensitivity was gone. She had to remind herself this wasn't the man she once knew. "What are you looking for?" she asked softly.

"I'm not looking," he answered. "I'm waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

He shrugged, looking everywhere but at her. It was difficult for her to contain the hurt at his disinterest. Why won't you look at me?! It was something she had rarely experienced with her bondmate. His eyes were nearly always on her, pinning her in place, stripping away her defenses in search of the truth. And in his study of her, he would reveal his own truth. Now Kylo revealed nothing to her, hiding his emotions away in his guarded eyes. Why?

Rey took a steadying breath, reminding herself to be patient. She sat down opposite him and stared out at the stars as he did. The last time she had taken the time to study the stars, he had been lying dead on the floor next to her. This may not have been what she wanted, but in that escape shuttle, she would have given anything for this chance. He's alive; that's all that matters, she repeated to herself. She was good at waiting; she would wait for him to remember. "The stars aren't as bright here as they are on most worlds, but they do seem closer, don't they?"

"I wouldn't know," he answered, his piercing stare finding her as it always inevitably did. Only this time, the eyes staring back at her were unrecognizable. His eyes may have been the same shades of brown with flecks of gold, the shape familiar, but there was something missing—something that made him Ben. It was as if she were looking into the eyes of the man that Sidious had controlled, like a clone. Of everything she had feared, she hadn't anticipated this. She couldn't contain the gasp that escaped her throat. "What's wrong? You didn't see who you thought you'd see?" He turned away again, and she fought with everything in her not to react. She knew that was what he was looking for. What she didn't understand was why. When he spoke next, his voice was so soft. She wasn't certain it was meant for her to hear. "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you."

"You used to look out at the stars before, too," she tried, turning back to the viewport to salvage any progress they had made in the moment.

"I don't remember." Kylo stared at his hands, lost in thought. At his darkest, Kylo had always been intrigued by her, even weathering her harsh words until she understood him. It hurt that he was trying to hide from her now. Rey tried to remind herself that his withdrawal inward had more to do with his struggle with identity than it did with her. But her deepest fear was that his new identity wouldn't have space for her—for who they were.