Force Destiny

Jedi Texts

Rey was surrounded by her makeshift family, at a makeshift table, in the large temple hall that had been transformed into a makeshift mess hall, inside their makeshift base. Her neck was sore from her makeshift bed and she was hopelessly lost in the foreign language of the Jedi text that would help her become a makeshift Jedi for a makeshift rebellion in a war she wanted nothing to do with. Rey had always been able to make something out of nothing, that wasn't the problem. It was that she had been given a glimpse of something real – a home, a belonging – it was the one thing she could never have, and the only thing she wanted. It darkened the joy of everything else.

It was night, the moon high over Barkesh, and the others were... drunk. Rey tried to understand when they told her Rey was surrounded by her makeshift family, at a makeshift table, in the large temple hall that had been transformed into a makeshift mess hall, inside their makeshift base. Her neck was sore from her makeshift bed, and she was hopelessly lost in the foreign language of the Jedi text that would help her become a makeshift Jedi for a makeshift rebellion in a war she wanted nothing to do with. Rey had always been able to make something out of nothing – that wasn't the problem. It was that she had been given a glimpse of something real – a home, a belonging – it was the one thing she could never have, and the only thing she wanted. It darkened the joy of everything else.

It was night, the moon high over Barkesh, and the others were... drunk. Rey tried to understand when they told her they did it to forget, but she couldn't help the resentment she felt when she remembered what her parents had done to her for the vile liquid. She sat quietly, an outsider, as they shared animated stories of their travels, of how they met, of how they survived their missions against the First Order. The people of the Resistance were kind to her, offered her friendship, yet she still felt as if she were alone. She was different; they didn't understand her. There was only one person who did, but he was their enemy. She wondered whether he had ever felt lonely in a crowded room. Growing irritated with herself for allowing her thoughts to wander again, she tried harder to fit in with people who offered her everything she should want.

Poe spoke of his harrowing escapes from the First Order in the early days of the Resistance. Finn told stories of his and Rose's rough start and their adventures on Canto Bight. Rose told stories of her sister and her bravery in the face of evil. Rey half-listened quietly, enjoying their tales of love and failure, and, ultimately, hope. They all had their defining moments that brought them to the Resistance, their reason to fight. But she couldn't share; what could she say?

She had never intended to join the Resistance. She knew it was the right thing to do to help Finn return Beebee-Ate and the map to the Resistance, but her plan was always to go back to Jakku. Finn had asked her to run away with him, but she didn't. When faced with the Force vision from Luke's lightsaber, she wanted nothing to do with it. She ran. Right into Kylo. She had no plans for when she escaped, but she had never considered finding the Resistance, not until Finn and Han risked their lives to rescue her.

If Kylo hadn't killed Han, if Finn's life hadn't hung in the balance, if she hadn't become some sort of hero to them for defeating him – then she wouldn't have gone to Luke in search of answers. She thought Luke would help her. Maz had told her she would find her belonging if she brought him back. But he wouldn't teach her, he wouldn't help her find her belonging – he only came back long enough to save them.

Someone had been there for her, however – someone who didn't fight for the Resistance. How could she find belonging with them when she couldn't tell them the truth? How could she share her hopes when they'd call her insane, or worse, treasonous? How could she share her failures when they wouldn't mourn them with her? For better or worse, she was connected eternally with another person, and she couldn't share her feelings about it with any of them. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think since he disappeared, because she was sick with worry, but she couldn't explain it. They wouldn't understand if she told them what was tearing her apart. She was an outsider, as she always had been. She loved them, but they had no idea who she was.