Before I Go || L.H

0.1

*Edited*

|| S ||

⠀⠀I woke up from my pleasant sleep. Wasn't the best waking up though. My bones are aching horribly and my head is pounding. I slowly get out of my bed, my weak and fragile body feeling like it's going to break any moment now. I walk into my bathroom and turn the lights on, wincing at the brightness. I stare at my thin, sick looking face and body. Any day now would be the day i'd finally find peace.

⠀⠀I open the mirror cabinet and pull out three bottle of pills. Each had a label for what it was for. One for pain in my bones, second was for helping my Iron levels, third was for stopping any infections from happening. I pour them into my hand and take my daily dose. I grab a towel from the bathroom closet and turn on the shower. I strip and step in, the warm water hitting my skin. I grab onto the handle in the shower as I wash myself so I won't fall. My mind starts to think of music and I begin humming. Soon I start to quietly sing, my voice slightly crack as I do.

"I'm breathing in, I'm breathing out
Ain't that what it's all about
Living life crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words in my mouth
Nothin left to figure out, but
I don't think i'll ever break through
The ghost of you"

⠀⠀When I had wrote that song it was more of what I thought my life use to be. I will never be the same. I'll never be a normal teenager and be able to do things normal teenagers do. Instead I look back to the old me as a ghost that will be gone forever.

⠀⠀At school I'm judged a lot for the fact that I stay quiet and avoid people. I have no friends except my brother. He's not here though.

⠀⠀I finish rinsing off and turn the water off. I grab the towel on the hook and wrap it around myself. I look at myself in the mirror again. Completely nude. My gross, sickly thin body. The thinness of my face and how it sinks in. My collar bones stick out and my ribs are almost noticeable. Mum tries to find a way to help me gain weight, but with my sickness it's barley possible.

⠀⠀I look away and walk back into my room. I dry myself off and put on a bra and knickers. I grab a pair of black skinny jeans which have gotten fairly large on me. I put on a white camisole and a black zip up sweater. I didn't put on makeup. I stopped a while ago when I realized makeup wouldn't help me look normal o and not dead. My hair is put into a pony tail and I grab my book bag from the floor. Opening my door, I hear nothing. Mornings are never happy anymore the way they use to be. I make my way downstairs and see a plate with cold eggs and toast. A note says my mum has left for work. Not a surprise.

⠀⠀Since the cancer, my parents and I grew apart a lot. I didn't talk to them a lot since I stopped chemo. They don't want to face the fact that their daughter is going to die. I understand though. I just miss the old times, I didn't have to worry about a thing.

⠀⠀I nibble on the toast and take a bite of the eggs. Loss of appetite was a big thing for me too. That's why i'm so small. I put on my black vans and head out the door. As I leave I walk past the car my parents got me. I couldn't drive, I didn't have enough energy or muscle to do so. Slowly I walk to school. Most people call it hell, but my life was worse then school. Nobody can understand that though.

⠀⠀I walk inside the large building. A few looks are shot my way, but I don't flinch. I'm use to it. People think i'm kind of a freak. Especially one person. Luke Hemmings. I walk past him on my way to my locker. He shoulders me and I wince. I know a bruise will be there soon.

"Freak" He chuckles.

⠀⠀A few people around us laugh. I sigh and walk to my locker. I open it and move my sweater a bit. I see a slight mark on my shoulder. I bruise very easily now and everything is painful. Practically impossible for me not to get hurt during the day. My head starts to hurt and I groan. Migraines are the worst, especially when everything else in your body hurts with it.