More Than it Seems

Levona/ Jackson

What am I so afraid of? Getting my heart broken? Sex? Am I too scared to fall in love? Am I just afraid of him? Jackson. Will our relationship just end up bad? Do I have a fear of being heart broken? I don't deserve someone as good as him. 

I shook whatever negative feelings that I was feeling to the side and recognized that I might be having fun for the few past days. I'm jumping onto an exciting journey by leaving with Jackson. I believe I deserve a break at times. Other times I believe I don't work hard enough. I simply can't believe I'm actually going somewhere with ..... with my.....

Boyfriend?

I vanished away the thought of whatever our relationship is.

I refused his offer to take me on vacation. I didn't want to be a waste of his money or time. Or really  my money and my time. I was so used to being on my guard and not spending a dime on little things for myself. You don't need that. I would tell myself. You don't deserve that. You didn't earn it. Why waste your money? Spend on what you need not what you selfishly want.  I was afraid of being a disappointment to him. He may expect something from me that I just...... I just can't do or give. 

I'm afraid of him falling out in love with me. 

 If he was really in love with me in the first place. 

Your not even an official couple. 

"Shut up," the words escaped my mouth and I jumped at its presence. No one heard. I was okay. I'm at home. 

I sighed and slowly got up. Today I decided to sleep in for an hour longer. It was now 5:30. I went quickly feeling like I should've just woken up to my usual time because I'd hate to waste any second of the day. 

I went and did a few sets of exercise and yoga. I drunk my morning hot tea and veggie omelette with cheese and salsa on top, fried potatoes. (That was my favorite thing to eat. And without potatoes I'd eat a baked sweet potato with butter and cinnamon.) I read a few scriptures and took a few notes in my "I Will Achieve" journal. I decided I had time to write some more freely, remembering that I don't work today. I sipped my hot tea as I wrote to myself. I played my classical piano and cracked the windows. Cool air chilled at my skin, and yet I enjoyed the awakening whispers of the early morning outside. 

I took in a slow, big, long breath. It was deep and shaky but it was calming. It was a realization that it's okay for me to relax. That this is healthy. 

That I deserve everything because I worked hard for it.

You didn't work hard for this vacation or  Jackson. Btw, he's your f*ck'n boss!

"Uhh!" I slammed my cup of tea down and hot water slashed against my skin. I hissed and fell to the ground. I sat there for a split second not knowing what just happen. Then, afterwards, I felt my eyes water. 

Don't cry. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry!

I took yet another shaky breath and look at what fell with me. At my side was my journal. It was opened to one of my earliest pages. It read :

YOU CAN DO IT. Get up and try again. You are loved. You don't have to do this alone.

- LeVona Alene

I sniffed and said shakily, " you are loved. You are loved. You. Are. Loved. You can do it. I can do it. Just get up..., " I stood,  " and try again."

I cleaned my mess and got ready for the day. 

88888888888888888888888

"Hello?" I said, " heeeeelllloooooo?"

"Yes?"

I perked up in my seat from hearing her voice. Happiness swelled me, "I'm almost at your place."

"Oh okay. I wasn't sure what to pack but I think I'm good. I'll be getting my bags at the entry."

"Oh don't!! I help you get them instead! I don't want you going down those tiny stairs alone."

"Making fun of my apartment now, huh?"

I laughed, " LeVona! Come on, you know I'm just play'n! I love your cute apartment! It's clean, spacious and gives me some peaceful vibes or some'n."

I could imagine her smile right now as I heard a soft chuckled through the phone, " I can't believe your a CEO. "

"Yeah well be honored. "

I drove onward at the green light. 

"Your not a reward, " she teased.

"Your right. Silly me, " I smiled, " you are."

I headed straight. 

She chuckled softly, " whatever. I'm hanging up so I can get through."

"Uh! SOOOOO rude! You do know I'm treating you to a whole  *ss vacation right?"

I turned right at the light. 

"Yeah a vacation I practically begged you not to take me to. This is considered kidnapping, you know?"

I clicked my tongue, " I guess your quit the reward then, huh?"

I curved into the parking lots.

"Jackson, " she said, " text me when you're here."

"Well I'm here now, " I smiled.