Last Kiss Goodbye • Teenage Juice Ortiz

84 - (Un)Grateful

"It will probably be the last time," he whispered to himself, trying to find courage. "Soon you won't be confronted with her disinterest anymore."

He took a few deep breaths, reminding himself as to why he hadn't wanted Mateo or June to join him, and then he opened the door. 

For a moment he kept tarrying next to the couch, hoping she would look up. When she didn't, he cleared his throat. 

"Can I umm – can I talk to you about something?"

The words left his mouth uneasily. He couldn't remember he had ever asked her that question before. 

Finally she snapped her head aside, her eyes eyebrows reaching for the ceiling. "Don't you dare to tell me you knocked that girl up, Juan Carlos."

"W-what?" Juan stammered stunned. "No – no we haven't even slept together."

His mother huffed. "Smart girl."

There was a glance of aversion in her eyes, as if he was a horrible person for longing for an intimacy like that. As if he wasn't worth to be loved like that. His breathing fell heavier, but he fought off his mother's contempt. 

"I wanna go with Mateo," he blurted out. So – that was it. 

The contemptuous features of her face sharpened. "Don't be an idiot. You really want the whole world to know what an ungrateful brat you are? Everyone knows I'm working my ass off to keep you alive, what do you think people will say if that's turning out to be not good enough for you?"

Her words made him flinch. But they're not true, he told himself. Mateo pays half of the rent. He buys food. 

"I'm not ungrateful," he said softly. "But Mateo told me there's a room for me too."

"And what do you think he wants in return?" his mother huffed. 

He shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing. I just... I just think he doesn't like to be alone."

"With all those little whores of him he won't spend a lot of time alone. Give him a few days and his house will look like a brothel. What do you think your girlfriend will think of that, hmm?"

Again he shrugged. He didn't want to tell her that June encouraged him to live with his brother because it gave him peace of mind. He felt insecure and scorned now, but he knew he would lose his temper if she said one hurtful thing about June. 

His mother studied his face for a while, sighing deeply. Her expression became a little friendlier. "Why are you so keen on leaving, Juan Carlos? I know why you brother wants to take you away. It has always been his mission to tear us apart."

Juan sat down on the armrest of the couch. There was still a tension between them, but it was a different one than before. He had the feeling they were closer to a normal conversation than ever. 

"Why do you want me to stay?" he asked. "You've told me many times you wished I was never born." His throat felt soar, tears were stinging in his eyes. Nevertheless, he pulled through. "I'm sixteen. And in all these years you never took the effort to have a talk with me. I know you hate me, and I know you hate Mateo, so why won't I leave? It's not like the neighbors believe that we're the perfect family; they all know the police and ambulance were at our door a while back."

"That's Mateo's fault, not yours."

"It's your fault!" he spat. "You said all those horrible things about us!"

"I'm only trying to protect you, Juan Carlos." She looked at him, exhausted. "His influence on you is toxic. You are so desperate for a little bit of attention that you're blind to his rotten soul and to the fact that he turns you into a copy of himself more and more."

"Well if you gave me a little bit of attention I never would have turned to my brother! It has always been Mateo who was there for me, who gave me advice, who comforted me, who protected me! He's more like a father than you're a mother and that is not his fault! If you hate children so much you should have used a fucking condom!"

She squeezed her eyes, an anger churning inside them that caused a shiver to run down his spine. "You have no idea what you're talking about, boy." Her voice sounded shaky. "You have no idea."

Her nostrils flared as she exhaled furiously. Another shiver rolled down his back. He had seen this before, every time she'd lashed out at his brother. 

"Sorry," he whispered, something Mateo had never said to her, hoping it would calm her down. 

Before he could provoke a real fight, he slipped off the couch and disappeared in his room. There he grabbed his stuff for the night. He didn't want to sleep here any longer, he would stay a few days with June until he could move. It felt like he had just given his mother a last chance to be actually a mother – and she clearly had no interest in it. 

At least in being his mother. 

Without saying anything he crossed the room five minutes later. In the hallway he grabbed his helmet of the hook, then he headed out, climbed his bike and drove to June's house. 

His whole body was shaking when June let him in, giving him a comforting hug. There was no need for words, she sensed very well how the talk had been. Softly, her lips touched his, the look in her eyes worried. 

"I'm okay," he whispered. "But I don't want to sleep under the same roof anymore."

Taking his hand, she led him to the living room. There he was greeted by Hannah, who offered him a sympathetic smile. June had probably told her what he had wanted to do tonight. He walked over to her, kissing her cheek. Her hand stroked his hair. 

"Was it a difficult talk?" she asked softly. 

As hard as it was to talk to his own mother, talking to Hannah always felt natural. 

"She wasn't very understanding," he muttered. "She can't see why I want to live with my brother. Which doesn't surprise me, but still..." He bent his head. Deep inside, there had been this tiny hope that his mother would tell him that she loved him. 

Hannah's fingers caressed his cheek. "Your mother sounds like a complicated woman, Juan. Someone who has issues with herself and takes it out on her children. I know how hard it must be, but try not to take it personal. You're a sweet boy, very helpful and I'm proud to call you my son in law. My daughter is lucky to have you."

June squeezed his hand, telling him she agreed with these words. His lips curled into a small smile. 

Hannah's warm eyes held his glance. "I love you, dear Juan. I love you just as much as I love my own children."

Juan felt his chest glow, just like his cheeks. "I love you too, ma'me," he whispered. The knowledge that she wouldn't live long, tore out his heart. Sensing his pain like she always did, June wrapped her arm around his waist and held him tight. 

"I am grateful for all the love and happiness you offer my daughter," Hannah continued. "Even if things don't always go smoothly. Soon it will be Thanksgiving, I would like to ask you to celebrate it with us."

"Oh..." Juan felt a blush creep to his cheeks. They never celebrated it at home, usually he went to Emilio's. "I would like that," he said quietly. For as much as he liked Emilio's family and as hard as they were trying to make him feel wanted, he knew he was only invited because they didn't celebrate it at home. But this... this was different. For June's family was also his family. 

Hannah smiled at him. "And I would also like you to invite your brother. I would love to meet him."

These were words he hadn't seen coming. He doubted it was something Mateo wanted. He glanced over his shoulder, studying June's face. The look in her eyes told him she was also a little overwhelmed by her mother's request. Nevertheless she softly pressed her lips to his cheek. 

"Ask him," she said in a soft tone. "I know how important he is to you and although he might never admit it, I believe nobody likes to be alone at Thanksgiving."

Juan turned around, pulling June close. His own family situation might be shitty, but God, he was so grateful for having June and her family.