Last Kiss Goodbye • Teenage Juice Ortiz

84 - (Un)Grateful

Juan didn't respond immediately. It probably hadn't ended well, otherwise he would have heard this story that same night. There had been a tension between Jordy and Emilio the past days, but that was nothing new; it happened every few days. 

"And then?" he insisted when Emilio kept silent. 

Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "I was confused and I sent her away. She wasn't mad or somethin', but..." He sighed. "I just keep thinkin' about it." He leaned back and stared at the ceiling. "How did you know? That you were in love with June?"

"She was all I could think about," he answered. "I dunno. I just fell really fast and really hard for her," he continued with a grin. 

"Well... I don't have that," he answered. "That I can't stop thinkin' about her. Half of time she's drivin' me crazy. But when I kissed her, I felt..." He closed his eyes, letting out a sarcastic laugh. "Fuck man. Listen to me, I sound like a bitch."

Juan said nothing. He knew this was new for his friend and that he hated to think about his feelings. 

"I think that the fact that it's still bothering you is sayin' enough," he said eventually. "And that you like her more than you dare to admit to yourself because she ain't lookin' like a cheerleader."

"There's more," Emilio muttered. "I don't know if I want a girlfriend anyway. It causes so much shit."

"It's worth the trouble," Juan said. "June has been an amazing support. In a different way than Mateo and you. It's – it's hard to explain."

"I know what you mean," Emilio muttered to his surprise. "I see it when you two are together. But I can't imagine Jordy and me bein' like that."

Juan shrugged his shoulders. "You don't have to be like us. You are both different from us, so your relationship will be different too. And if things don't turn out like you hoped... you've at least tried it."

"But she's so..." Emilio heaved a deep sigh. "Different."

"You feel ashamed of her," Juan concluded. "But not for being her friend?"

"Being friends with her ain't the same as showin' the whole fucking school that I feel attracted to a girl like that."

Juan gave him a slight smirk. "So you do feel attracted to her. And not in a sexual way... So your feelings are anything but shallow."

Emilio pulled a face, then he got up from his bed. "Enough girl talk," he grunted. "I desperately need a smoke."

. . .

Juan closed the door quietly behind him and entered the living room. His mother was seated on the couch, the tv screen lighting up her face. Nervously he hooked his thumbs in his pockets, not knowing what else to do with his hands. She usually didn't appreciate being disturbed while watching tv. Her working hours were too irregular to keep up with tv shows, but once she was at home she gave it a shot anyway. 

"Hey," he said softly. 

His mother didn't even bother to look up. 

Juan swallowed. He wasn't sure she heard his voice, but he was convinced she must have heard him come in. His throat tightened, it felt like all oxygen was drained from the room. Quickly he walked to his bedroom. Quietly he sat down on his bed. No matter how many times it had happened before, he could never get used to being ignored by his own mother. Pulling up his knees, he wrapped his arms around his legs, wishing June had been with him. He longed for her warm embrace, for her love that felt so undeserved. 

For almost an hour he kept sitting like that, then he got up sighing, his aching muscles being proof of how cramped up he had been. The moment his feet landed on the floor the anxiety to be turned down returned.