Chapter 22

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Mere liye ghar

tab bhi tum thay,

aaj bhi tum ho.

Lekin apne hi ghar mein insaan

aksar akela reh jaata hai.

That evening when she came home, she also brought in a strange unsettling feeling with her. White had always been her favorite, but her humble apartment in the outskirts of London was mostly covered with furniture of grey and neutral tones.

Firdaus dropped her sleek bag on the couch that was placed in between the dining table and living space, and walked around it to go to the kitchen. While pouring herself a glass of water, she realised her hands were unstable. The sudden encounter at the coffee shop had left unnerved.

She carried the glass and settled down on the seat by the window, looking out on the street that was beginning to get covered by the first snow of the year. Winter never seemed more ominous than it did that evening. So many memories came and went in waves. When she was moving to London, she knew it was a risk she was undertaking but it still did not stop her. There would always be a chance of running into him, even if it was minimal. That was the reason why Shagufta kept asking her, why London? She would respond, unaffected that it was one of the better places to complete her degree in literature. It was also easier as she had help from one of her father's freind who was the former Pakistani ambassador to UK. But deep inside, she and her mother both knew well, why she chose this particular city.

Where one half of her heart dreaded an encounter with him, the other half waited for an opportunity to catch a glimpse of him, even if from afar. And that was what had happened. A few months after coming to London, she saw him.

It was a calm summer morning. She was heading to class, walking silently without looking around much. But just a few minutes away from her campus, she caught something from the corner of her eye that forced her to look up. A familiar figure. At first she wasn't sure if it was him, but it still made her heart beat fast enough for her to be able to hear it.

He was standing on the opposite side of the wide street. She tried not to lose her focus as a few cars zoomed by in between, but her attention fell on him completely undivided only when he turned around. It was him, Aman. He had somewhat of a beard now, and glasses too. His hair neatly combed at the back, which was quite unlike him. But she could recognize him in an instant.

Firdaus stood there, her heart beating in her chest like a musicians drums, wondering whether to approach him or not. But she didn't need to wait long for an answer to her question. Aman was standing in front of a candy store, unaware of the pair of eyes that were ardently staring at him, when a woman, roughly around her own age came out from the store and greeted him with a hug. There was a small boy with her too. After they pulled away, he bent down and hugged the boy too.

However far she may have been standing, she could still see the smile that was on his face. Something broke inside her. It was not audible to the world outside, but she heard it well and clear. The sound of a breaking heart.

Jab dil toot'ta hai toh awaaz nahi aati.

When the fog of memories stared lifting, she found herself back sitting by the windowsill. Two drops of tears had rolled off each of her eye and splashed onto the back of her hand. An image from the past hit her like a collapsing wall. She knew that was not his family, couldn't have been. But it was a stark reminder that he did infact, want to raise a family. A happy and healthy one, he had always wished for it, but she wouldn't be able to give it him. The baggage of her past would always overshadow their future.

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