Wabasta | Complete ✔

Chapter 16

That night she sat in the balcony. The balcony had always been her favourite place. The one in this house wasn't as big and spacious as the one they had in the house in Islamabad, but it wasn't too bad either. It gave her a place to retreat when everywhere else it seemed suffocating. On days when the weather was pleasant, she would sit there for hours and look up at the sky, admiring its vastness. She loved how the darkness of the night could hide everything. All emotions, all expectations. As if its purpose was to help lift a burden off one's shoulders. So she sat there, under the same darkness which scared her at times, and gave her solace at others.

She heard footsteps of someone entering ther balcony, but didn't feel the need to turn around. She knew who it was.

Aman sat down on the cold stone floor beside her, crossing her legs the same way as hers. He looked at her, but her attention was still towards the sky.

"Aj subah ke liye I'm really sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. Main bas -"

"Yeh jataana chahte the ke marna itna asaan nahi hota? Jaanti hoon." This time she looked at him. There was a certain sense of calm in her eyes that he wasn't expecting to see. It was the kind of calm you would see after a heavy storm. For a little while there was a half smile on her face, before she turned her face away again.

"Main marna nahi chahti Aman, lekin kabhi kabhi zinda rehna bhi mushkil sa lagta hai."

A shadow of gloom fell over her face. The smile that was there had been replaced.

Accident ke baad jab main hospital mein thi, tab har roz marti aur har roz zinda hojati. Un kuch hafton mein main kitni mautein meri hoon mujhe toh yaad bhi nahi. Tab main Allah se poochti, ke woh ujhe baba ke saath hi kyun nahi le gaye? Kyun mujhe aise zinda rehne ke liye chhor diya?

Jitni takleef mere jism me thi ussey kahin zyada dard aur takleef mere andar thi. I lost my father, I lost my friends and I lost...you." She sighed heavily. A fat, lone drop of tear swam down her face and fell on the top of her palm. She didn't bother wiping it away.

"Jo bhi mujhse milne aata, mujhe unki nazron mein apne liye hamdardi ke ilawa aur kuch nahi nazar aata. Unke dekh kar mujhe phirse apni takleef ka ehsaas hota. Everything started to hurt. When the doctor prescribed some strong painkillers, I had no idea they were opioids. I just knew that they helped me. Thodi der ke liye hi sahi, it would numb the pain, atleast the physical ones. It was the first time in days that I could sleep. It was the first time I felt liked I wan't going to die in pain. I needed it then."

Firdaus paused for a moment. She was trying to gather the words while she fought back the tears.

"Taking the drugs wasn't my choice. My only fault was that I didn't stop when I should have. By the time I realised it, it was too late. I was already dependent on them. Us waqt mere paas koi nahi tha jissey mein madad mang sakti. Sab shak bhari nazron se mujhe dekhte. Kisi ko mujhpar aetbaar nahi tha.

Lahore aane ke baad, I tried really hard to stop myself. University ke pehle kuch mahine I was sober for a long time. But then, this one day, I don't know what took over my judgement and I slipped again. It was a vicious cycle. The more I tried to stay away the more tempting it became. Tab main Zubin se mili, I realised we shared a similar kind of pain. Mujhe pehli baar laga koi mujhe sahi maino mein samajh sakta hai. Hum dono hamesha ek doosre ko samjhate, lekin badkismati se kuch na kuch aisa hota, that we'd end up taking some again. That didn't mean I stopped fighting."

She turned towards Aman. All the while she spoke, she had his undivided attention.

"Tum mujhse pooch rahe the na, jab mein rehab se bhaagi thi main uske saath thi ya nahi? Main uske saath nahi thi, usne sirf mujhe apne farmhouse mein panha diyi thi. Jab maama ne mujhe rehab mein dala, I felt like I was going back to the same pain that I tried to run away from. It was like I had lost my family all over again. I was alone, and I couldn't come back home. He was the only one that came to my mind at that time. He let me stay at his farmhouse that was a little far from town for a few days, that's all.