i know you're reading back on this, and i know you're sick of hearing the same old mantra of pains, of cries... of hurt. i know it may all blend into one, re-reading all of these entries.
is that what they are? entries? what are these anymore? they use to make me feel like my voice was somewhere. that it wasn't just in my head. a documentation of my life. why has it all blended into one now? has this turned into a documentation of something else? of my pain? of my hurt? of the feeling that lives in my head? is this the documentation of my life or is this the documentation leading to the end of it?
what have i done?
the same old phrases. the same old feelings, but this time they feel a lot heavier. i don't care to describe them anymore. you know what they feel like, what they felt like. it's getting very tiresome of regurgitating the same thing. i try to switch it up with positive, hopeful things. but something in my gut gives me this feeling. it sinks, and my head communicates with it. they both know the truth. is it ignorant of me to avoid it as well? to deny it?
did you know i only ever wanted to live?
that i only wanted to love and to help?
i don't know why God would make it all feel so heavy, you know.
do you think God would forgive me? do you think He would understand? part of me cares and part of me doesn't. it hurts feeling it, you onow.
a whole chunk of me knows i won't ever get out, and i won't ever live, nor love, nor actually help. and my throat swells along with my chest and my heart. i think i know the truth, too. i think i've always known this. i think we have.
do you know how heavy it feels? it just feels like it's swelling, swelling. i can only see it end one way. that way is the only guaranteed way. it's the only one i've ever been able to see work out. how pathetic is that? yet it's true. when i said i felt as if it was written in stone, i wasn't lying. i cant erase the writing on the slate, can i?
i hope i don't sound so terribly repetitive. i apologize in advance when you reread this. hopefully you reread this, but i think we both know the likelihood of that.
11/14
YOU ARE READING
holding on; 2019
Non-Fictioni never expected to be here for this. i did not think the need would let me go. i can still feel it's grip, but i might as well hold on as well. it's only fair-isn't it? a self-documentation.
