many, if not all, developmental psychologists believe that trust is something that is acquired through teaching and experience. you learn it. you learn who you can trust through their words, actions, and body language. you learn who you can't. many say it is a crucial part of the bonding experience between parents and their children, specifically newborns. newborns depend entirely on their parents, and even do so most of their early childhood. is it that they depend or trust them? can it be differentiated? the concept of trust seems like it's understood near the age of six, or seven. but it may be earlier than that, i don't know. i cant remember when i grasped the concept of it. i just remember how it felt that night.
i always go back to that night.
i remember wanting to stay up at the hospital with her. i remember begging her to. i wanted to keep her company, and i thought it would be so cool to have a sleepover at the hospital. i remember her telling me, "It's ok sissy, mommy will be home by tomorrow. I promise. You go with dad and get to bed with Teddy". so i did, because the nurse told me i had to be at least sixteen to stay overnight. i went to bed and she care home the next day. always, always. whenever she made that promise, she fulfilled it. when it couldn't be tomorrow, she'd promise it'd be 'soon'. and she always came home. always.
that night—she didn't come home
she didn't come home. i felt it all on me. why wasn't she home yet? i didn't even need to question it. something had already told me she was dead. she always promised. i hadn't been there for her to promise it to me, that she'd be back. i remember feeling so little. i can feel it now. i can go back to that night and feel how i felt when i was six. i relive it. the trigger is her health. just the topic of it. it sends me back. my jaw gets tight and my breaths turn shallow. it's happening right now. my future triggers it. what will happen when she can't make any more promises?
i trusted her to be ok. i trusted god to let her be ok. i fell asleep that night not trusting either.
that night she was dead, even though she was alive. that night there were no more promises
4/18
ČTEŠ
holding on; 2019
Literatura faktui never expected to be here for this. i did not think the need would let me go. i can still feel it's grip, but i might as well hold on as well. it's only fair-isn't it? a self-documentation.
