holding on; 2019

debt collectors

by the end of next month, i'll be all on my own.
financially, i won't be. he said he'd provide it the first year.
but can i trust that? his on the whim decisions can not be taken lightly with that much money. especially when it's hanging over only me.
sometimes when i think about it, (which is most of the time now) it makes me scared. scared to the point where i'd rather be dead. dead on my own terms, with no debt on me. what if i can't do it? what if i've been overestimating myself this entire time?
i still feel like i owe him for my birth. how am i ever going to live this down...?
i feel so guilty. guilty about it all. it makes me hurt so much. it's not just hurt, it's an actual constant ache. i've never wanted to owe anybody anything. i've always just wanted to give. to give and make people happy. but i've only done the contrary with him. i'm so guilty. it feels too much. i am too little for such a great weight.
it makes me want to die knowing i'll never be able to repay him for it all.
my birth.
my hospital dues.
my leisurely living.
my anything and everything
i feel so guilty. i know my mom said she always wanted a girl, but something about the looks he gives me tells me he didn't want it as much as her.
i want to rip out every tooth and pluck every hair in the hopes of feeling close to the pain i've put him through. maybe the pain will balance it out. it has to. there's no other way i can make it up to him. for everything. it makes me so scared. as if i'm signing a deal with something much, much bigger than i. than the whole world. it feels like the glass, if i can be honest. i can feel it on my pinky again. but this time i have to stare into the eyes of my father, of my debt collector. i can feel him bending my pinky.  i can feel the eyes of the loan collectors.
this is so much bigger than i.
i'll be all alone. will i lose my sense of self in the action of pretending? of false appearances?
maybe he's right. maybe i'm not cut out of the real world. maybe i should've ended it before i even had the chance to step into it.
and what if he leaves me? up and leaves me? decides i'm not cut out for him? if something happens and it breaks apart? what then? i don't think i could handle such a pain all on my own. i'd really be all alone, huh. what if he gets bored of me? what if the months that we were apart is what kept the fire in him for me alive? i've never told anyone but you all of this, but all of this is kept inside me at all times and i don't know how to process it. it's only me and you who are forever, and that scares me. it'll only ever be me. only ever me who's watching my own back, only me who's trying to undo the traps i've gotten myself into. am i the only permanent constant in my life? i hope it's not the case, but i get the gut feeling that it's true. i'm just so afraid. the glass feels so heavy, you don't understand. it feels crushing, it feels like it's going to pop my lungs.
will they forgive my college debt if i do kill myself? i think i'd rather die on the streets than put him through more stress and financial burden. but i just want out from it if it gets too bad. i feel so guilty. i've told everyone i love and trust that i haven't thought about it anymore. i looked my therapist in the eyes and told her it's completely gone. i am such a liar. i am so guilty. i want to hurt myself until i can't anymore. do you know what that feels like? to want to feel your soul ripped from your stomach? if that would repay every burden i've put him through i would do it in a heartbeat. i've only ever loved him. i never wanted to hurt anybody. do you know what it feels like, to want to feel the wriggling pain just to justify your existence? i never wanted to hurt. but it's what i deserve and it's what has to be done, isn't it?
it all gets so scary. and im my only constant. i'm my only way out. can i do this? do i want to do this with his debt hanging over my head? it isn't the half of it. there's so much more. the glass hurts—it's so heavy.
7/3