i'm sorry i'm so so, sorry
i can never do anything right never ever ever why would i do that to somebody why am i so selfish he hates me and is getting tired of me i would too i am too i want out so bad
i've always been so guilty
do you know what that word means?
it means i've done wrong, it means that's all i'm capable of doing
everything that comes from my mouth is tar and it'll tarnish everything in the room i'm so sorry my skin even feels guilty. did you know it's a physical feeling, too? did you know that? i've felt it ever since the day she almost died and SOMETJING IN MY HEAD TOLD ME KT WAS ME! IT WAS ME WHO DID IT! SHE WAS GONE ECAUDE OF ME! ever since they caught me writing my name on the wall. my name was on it! ever since i told sarah no she couldn't come over, i was too tired of having her over all the time. SHE WAS BEING RAPED! DID YOU KNOW THAT? JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDNT DOESNT EXCUSE IT. SHE WANTED TO COME OVER AND ESCAPE IT AS MUCH AS SHE COULD AND EIGHT, AND NINE YEAR OLD ME WAS TOO TIRED. MAYBE NEXT TIME. SHE WAS BEING PHYSICALLY KILLED OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I WAS TIRED? there's so much more. did you know that? that you remember everything you've ever done wrong? that the people in your life are not the only ones reminding you? the smallest fault triggers it. the feeling of guilt. both the mental and physical feeling. it's so familiar, it makes me want to puke.
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...did you know that it hurts? it hurts always letting the ones you love down. it twists and twists. something about it makes the whole heart sink. did you know that it feels like a death every time i let someone down? i mourn. maybe i didn't do something in the allotted timeframe. maybe i didn't live up to their daily behavioral expectation. i mourn, i mourn. it hurts, it hurts. like something ripping from out of my soul. i don't need to question whether it is guilt or not. i know it so well. i can feel it sinking my heart. i can feel it contracting my lungs. i can feel it stinging the cuts on my legs. i can feel it heaving itself onto my shoulders. i can feel it's despair. will guilt be my despair? is this my despair?
i can handle letting myself down. i can handle hurting myself. i can handle my flesh burning. but i cannot handle hurting anyone else. it breaks me. it breaks me! it feels like my heart is being torn apart. i can feel fragments of theirs tear off. i can feel their every ounce of disappointment. it suffocates me. i don't want to hurt anybody... why is that all i'm capable of doing? has my love never reached anybody? sinking, sinking, stinging. guilt feels like a familiar face you can only see in the corner of your eye, but instead you feel it's presence entirely. it makes you feel it. i've never wanted anything more than to stop it. but that taints it too. i know i deserve this guilt. i always have. i always have.
3/4/19
YOU ARE READING
holding on; 2019
Non-Fictioni never expected to be here for this. i did not think the need would let me go. i can still feel it's grip, but i might as well hold on as well. it's only fair-isn't it? a self-documentation.
