hello? can you hear me? i don't know if you can hear this. i'll talk like you can anyway. i don't know when you stopped hearing me. is it my fault? you tell me that it is. somehow you can always deflect any blame. it scares me that you don't seem to hear me anymore. it makes me feel like that time i had that panic attack in the morning. i needed someone so bad. i needed you—you yelled. i don't remember what you yelled. i couldn't hear you. but i needed you. i expected you to help somehow... i wanted you to help me. it made me even more scared when you didn't. i feel like that now, except instead of immediate fear i am filled with worry, fear, dread, and guilt. i know that you can't hear me. sometimes you act like you can, but i think you're just reading my lips and interpreting it your own way. you're only seeing what you want to. you're making me out to be something else. i'm just scared. i'm still your daughter, i'm still your blood. instead of hearing me proper you jump to conclusions. you put the blame on me before i can utter a word. it wouldn't matter if i did, though, for you can't hear me.
is this thing on?
do you still think i hate you? do you actually think that, or are you trying to pity yourself? i don't hate you, i never have. i hate what you do to me. i hate what you do over and over again, constantly. i hate that you can do it without a second thought, without remorse, while it lives on in my head. you know i'm not able to get that out, right? everything you've ever said sticks with me. it sticks with me because you're one of the people i love the most. it sticks with me because it hurts me really bad. i don't know if you realize how badly it's actually affecting me.
you said if there was anybody in the world i could turn and talk to about anything, it's you. you said that, remember? you said that, and i believed you. i trusted you. i don't feel like you're that person anymore. i don't feel like i can do that without a fight from you, a denial of some sorts. why do you think so badly of me? what did i ever do that wasn't a retaliation, a self defense? i don't feel like i can talk to you anymore. i don't know if i trust you anymore. i don't mean to hurt your feelings saying that, but please set yourself aside for a second. please just hear me. please just understand me- i just want you to listen. i just want you not to blame me. to yell at me. to say i've never done nothing. i don't want you to excuse me for a disgrace.
did you know that's what you make me feel like? i never know when i can trust you. it's so on and off. when is the right time? must it always be a sick, risky guessing game for me? i just want you to hear me. i'm scared. i just want you to hear me
1/9/19
YOU ARE READING
holding on; 2019
Non-Fictioni never expected to be here for this. i did not think the need would let me go. i can still feel it's grip, but i might as well hold on as well. it's only fair-isn't it? a self-documentation.
