every time he asks me (jokingly, i assume, he must know i do) if i do in fact love him, i say yes. i don't think i've ever meant something more with more heart. something so sure, something so immense. it's such a different, yet familiar feeling. it's as if the love that i held for him of my best friend has combined with another love that i hold for him. i don't know how to describe the other one. it's not just attraction, no. it's not just compatibility. it's a whole lot of something else. it's a certain feeling that rises from somewhere in my rib cage to my collarbones, it's a feeling that runs tingles down my back, and makes my stomach feel fizzy. there's so much that makes me love him. there's so much that makes me want to be with him until i can't be no more. he asked me when i decided i loved him, and my first response was 'when you broke my heart'. i ended up saying that's when i found out he was my best friend instead, but i think that's when it first hit me. when you can't imagine how else your life would go without somebody in it? when it felt like the glass of the candlestick broke? i don't know how to classify love, but i think that's when i at least touched the tip of the iceberg. ever since then, ever since seeing him in person, ever since hearing his voice say what he's felt too, it's only grown more and more. i knew my heart was capable of love. i've been burdened by its heaviness for the most of my young childhood. but this love is so much, and surprisingly, it's so light.
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holding on; 2019
Non-Fictioni never expected to be here for this. i did not think the need would let me go. i can still feel it's grip, but i might as well hold on as well. it's only fair-isn't it? a self-documentation.
