am i ready to leave? this is all i've ever known.
sharon kept telling me that i absolutely have to go. that it would be a waste of my smarts and courage if i didn't. she told me i didn't have a choice now, and i feel like i don't.
i feel like it hasn't hit me in the face full heartedly, yet. i can see it in a short distance, and it's scaring me.
i have the feeling that if it gets too scary, though, i can run away from it.
that's not possible though, is it? how far away is it again?
700 miles? i checked. 702 miles exactly.
do you think they'll miss us? do you think you'll be able to part from them? what if dad cries?
i want to swing in his arms again.
i want to play swingy again.
i think it'll make us all appreciate each other more than we ever have. i hope it'll be for the best, like she said it would. it's risky though.
thousands of dollars on my shoulders, all on my own.
being all on my own.
this is something i have to do, isn't it? this is what i wanted? to "get out"? if i don't, it would continue as it has, wouldn't it?
this dead end street cant be my dead end, too.
if it gets too hard though, what's my plan? my next go to? my safety net? thousands of dollars on my shoulders... the expectations of all my family members and the work force. the money scares me the most. would i have a way out? would i have to kill myself? would it finally have to happen? i strongly think i would make sure it would happen if i needed it to. i just wouldn't want all the debt go to my parents. but i'd need out. am i stronger than that?
why am i using suicide as a way out? who ever said that was a viable exit route? why do i still think that? am i truly a coward at heart, have i grown at all?
i am so afraid of change, as you can tell. have you changed any? can you read this?
are you dead?
8/03
YOU ARE READING
holding on; 2019
Non-Fictioni never expected to be here for this. i did not think the need would let me go. i can still feel it's grip, but i might as well hold on as well. it's only fair-isn't it? a self-documentation.
