holding on; 2019

end

i'm going to be frank,
i don't think i was ever cut out for this.
they cut me off from my mother at birth, and i cried. i dirtied my mother as they handed me over to her on her chest, dragging the bloodshed i personally caused all over her. i made her hurt for me to be alive.
i had to live with that.
i had to live with that same instance, reoccurring yet evolving and manifesting into different fashions, yet holding the same key concept.
i made them hurt.
wether it be financially, physically, spiritually, or emotionally—
i made them hurt.
i make people hurt.

i didn't want to make anyone hurt anymore. maybe it is selfish because i acted on my hurt instead. instead of thinking more in depth about how your hurt will be so much greater once i go through with it. please don't think i haven't considered it. it's one hurt in trade for a million future hurts that i won't be able to force upon you all. please think of it like that. it's the only logical way of thinking it. i didn't want to hurt anybody, it was never my intentions. i only ever wanted to live, to experience, to help and to love. i wanted to do these things so badly that i think i blind sighted myself. i think my hands were so damaged i couldn't feel them wrapped and grasping onto your shoulders, trying to hold myself above. i didn't know i was sucking your bloodstream dry to maintain my living.

and so i thought that this would be the better outcome. i didn't want to hurt anybody anymore. i was sick of hurting because i had to continuously let down those i loved and hurt them. i had to watch them go through the hurt i inflicted, and i felt as if it had gone on too long. so, this is it.
if you're reading this, im sorry. wether you're one of the many people i loved that i hurt along the way, in some form or fashion, or wether you're an outside observer that i didn't soil with my ruin yet, i'm dearly sorry. i promise this will be the last time i make anybody hurt. if i could take all of the hurt i've put you each through and put it on myself i would. i've tried. i could never bleed enough to make up for the damage i've done. so please, take this action as a last plea for forgiveness—i know it can not make all the hurt i've done right, but at least i won't be able to do any more damage.
i only ever wanted to live, but i guess i couldn't do that well enough either. i'm sorry. i never was too good at anything.

- jen