holding on; 2019

all alone

i guess i haven't come to terms with it just quite yet, and i don't think i will, but it's kind of rather that it's sunk in that there's no other options other than being alone and going through it alone. every time i think about it or talk about it, it scares me. it overwhelms me and i get a headache and i feel nauseous. sharon made me talk about it, but i didn't mention how scared i am to be alone. i just tried talking to him as well about it, but i couldn't bring myself to explain just how scared i am to go through everything alone. how i'm scared to be alone. i know you know why, but if you can't seem to recall, read the few previous entries. it somewhat explains why being alone is such a big deal to us, but i know you know why. i'm afraid to go through the works and it just be me, like i've always feared. i'm afraid to be left alone to spiral, to self destruct. it's what i always go back to, and i'm so ashamed. but if it's what i have to do, what other option do i have other than to do it alone? i don't. i need to go to school, i need to get my residency time period started. the longer i wait, the longer i push back my education and my future career. i don't know what help i would have other than sharon— and not just for emotional support. my parents don't know a thing about apartments, leases, rent dues, or the likes. when i say i would be entirely alone, i mean it genuinely, and it scares me. it does more than scare me. it makes it hard to breathe, i can feel my lungs weighted down as if they've been filled to the brim with water. i just got done talking somewhat with him, and i felt bad for leaving so soon. i wanted to just talk normally with him as well, but the scared feeling came on, and i couldn't tell him, so i just left. i feel very mean. very selfish that i'm letting these feelings get in the way, but how could they not? i've never been so afraid and uncertain. no help, nothing to fall back on, no one with me. i'm going to be all alone.
09/23