i'm so, so afraid of being alone. alone, alone, alone. what does being alone mean to me? how do i define it? i'll tell you how, even though you know. maybe it'll change in the future.
i define it as the feeling that there is only i. that there is the one that i love, majorly, and they are gone. there can be others around me, that i love, but that one is gone. that one, or few. it's the feeling i had that night, as she was taken to the hospital. as i sat backwards on that recliner, with my head near the floor & my feet on the top. it's the feeling of the massive candle glass holder threatening to break at any moment, as it stands solely on my small pinky finger. as it bears the weight of the world on me, and me alone. i want to scream for help, for somebody to come and help take it off. but i know nobody will. it is me, and me alone. i bear this weight alone. how long can i keep it up for?
this is what being alone is to me.
and i am so, so afraid to be that again.
is my aloneness dependent on my dependents? why do i depend? why must i do so? why do i get so attached? deeply, and emotionally? it's so hard not to. i do it to everyone i love, but more-so to those that mean the world to me. i am afraid of not having a net. something to fall back on. maybe that's a natural worry, but it's extended so much due to my situation. i don't know how i'll continue without a safety net. i don't know how i'll make it. maybe it's something i'm not supposed to know. i don't like that i can't know it. it'll be so life changing. i don't like big changes... you know that. but if it's something i need?
even if i end up, all alone, maybe it'll be ok.
maybe i won't be all alone, really.
i'll still have myself.
that's gotta mean something, right?
i'll still have my soul, a combination of me and everybody i've ever loved, everybody that's ever meant anything to me. i'll still have that.
but what if things go wrong? and the alone feeling takes me back?
...takes me back to the never ending almost glass-shattering feeling?
what if i know much more than my six year old self did, and try to stop it? to—to end it?
and i'm all alone?
will i still have my soul in the afterlife? if there is no afterlife, will i still have my soul?
or will i be even more alone?
alone, alone...
i don't want to be alone. i think my heart is too big for that
2/27
YOU ARE READING
holding on; 2019
Non-Fictioni never expected to be here for this. i did not think the need would let me go. i can still feel it's grip, but i might as well hold on as well. it's only fair-isn't it? a self-documentation.
