it's not going to go away, is it?
am i just catastrophizing? because it's getting close?
no, i think my thoughts are completely rational. that's so much debt. that's so much money for a waste. a waste. to be wasted, on me. for one year, and one year only. is that not outrageous? logically i could just die, and that would easily cover the costs for a casket and a burial. i don't need a headstone, i don't need a service. nobody would come, anyway. i just want to get out scott free for my parents, for my father. i've been thinking about it, and i don't know if i should tell someone, and who. would they not let me go? would i have wasted everyone's time?
i don't know if i want to tell anyone. i kind of want to do it before i put him through any major debt. before the money is exchanged.
i've only ever wanted to live my own life, but i cant even do that.
how pathetic? how unsavory?
he keeps doing this, this thing. i don't know what's happening anymore. i don't know if some things are real, or if i've fabricated them out of my own selfish desires. is this real? did i just say that? did i hear that right? why does he keep doing this to me? i would rather die, you know.
i've started thinking about—
he keeps them in his top drawer. i know there's one in there. what if i lived and costed him even more debt in hospital fees? that would make the most mess. i just want out, you know? i don't want to put him through anything bad. i don't want him to be burdened by me financially. i should have done it before i turned eighteen. i'm so afraid of death, but i'm even more afraid of putting him through debt, or him yanking his promises from under me and being left on my own with it.
you know i couldn't handle it.
maybe i should stop it before it gets to that point. i only want to slide between the transitions without any notice. i wish i could take back everything i've ever said, i wish i could be forgotten to birth. name her something else and hope she doesn't turn out to be me. i want my soul to be erased, i want to be clean from the slate. i didn't ask to be here. i didn't ask to put anyone through this. why is this happpenibg to me? i never asked to be this selfish. i never asked to be here. im so sorry dad, i didn't know your little girl would grow up to be a financial burden.
i just want a way out scott free, no mess, no trauamztisibg others, nothing. i just want to be gone. to endure anything as long as it doesn't affect anyone else. i just want to stop being such a leech. i just want to make you proud but i cant, i cant. i want to leave
08/08
YOU ARE READING
holding on; 2019
Non-Fictioni never expected to be here for this. i did not think the need would let me go. i can still feel it's grip, but i might as well hold on as well. it's only fair-isn't it? a self-documentation.
