i had another session with sharon today. it was suppose to be a filler session, since i only saw her three days ago. but she had other ideas, i guess. i went into the session okay and stuff, but when we started talking, or when she started talking rather, about my 'situation' it happened again. i could feel myself losing focus. i could feel myself retreating somewhere. i could feel the losing of my sense of self. does that make sense? i could feel myself going somewhere else. throughout the entire session i kept trying to snap out of it, but i couldn't fully. there'd be times when specific things sounded clearer, and more closer, but some part was always going back. she'd be talking, talking about how logical my feelings were, and how they make sense and—
"Jenna! Come back to me."
she clapped her hands as if trying to get the attention of an animal.
she clapped and i could hear it instantly, but her hands... they literally moved as if in slow motion. it was just her hands. it scared me.
i think i just blanked. she asked me the kind of stuff my dad calls me and tells me, and it shut me up. i couldn't say anything. i would start but it was like someone was forcefully shutting my mouth. not letting me. it was me who wouldn't let me. only now am i able to form a tear. i couldn't feel a thing. not until after i took a two hour nap. she addressed that, too.
"You're afraid to show emotion of any kind, because you know you'll either be stripped of it or beaten (emotionally) with it. So you don't let yourself have anything. Does that make sense?"
she motions in a circle towards me, waving her hand as she does so.
"This? This is your happy. Your fear. Your joy. Your anxiety. Your excitement. Your sad. It's all one, and I can't tell anything. I can't read you."
she also mentioned that the "static" sounded like dissociation, and that medication could help with it. i stopped taking prozac a while ago, because my parents didn't like the idea of me being medicated. and because i was on too high of a dosage starting out. she said that if i still show signs with no improvement medication would be something to consider.
i don't remember what she said, but something about drastic measures would be taken. i don't remember what she said. i wanted to ask what she meant by that, but i didn't want to. i didnt want to hear what it could be.
i wish i didn't do that. i don't know how to stop doing it. it's something i can't control. it's something i can't get out of when i'm in it. i wasn't on prozac long enough to see a difference. what if whatever i get put on changes me? is it bad that i'll take whatever i can at this point? i just want it to stop.
2/5
YOU ARE READING
holding on; 2019
Non-Fictioni never expected to be here for this. i did not think the need would let me go. i can still feel it's grip, but i might as well hold on as well. it's only fair-isn't it? a self-documentation.
