Stronger, With Or Without You

15~my demons are back

They got up and walked out of the room, taking what little happiness I had with them.

•°•°•°•°•°•°

"Hiiiii" I slurred, missing my footing and holding on to a pillar nearby for support.

He stared back at me with a bored expression.

I held back a shudder. He was even more scary upclose, curse Ronnie for making me do this.

I stumbled and tripped on my dress but caught myself in time before I fell. I grinned in happiness.

Ha! Take that floor!

I looked up and saw him looking at me with an expression I couldn't place.

"Uhhhh, you enjoying the party?" I asked hopefully.

Nothing.

"You need a drink?" I smiled.

Nada.

"Nice weather we're having huh?" I nodded my head.

I saw his lips twitch slightly.

"Urghhh say something!"

He merely raised an eyebrow and studied me.

"For someone as attractive as you are, you behave like a meanie" I huffed.

"A meanie?" His eyes danced in amusement.

I gasped, "you talked!"

He got up and started walking away.

"Hey come back I'm not done!" I yelled.

"Sorry we attractive meanies don't like wasting time with drunk girls who talk to the floor" he smirked and disappeared.

I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment.

Who the hell was that guy?

I woke up in a jump. Panting hard, sweat lined on my forehead.

What was that? I blinked hard, trying to remember pieces of the dream I just had.

Or was it a dream? It felt so...real. Like I've lived it before, almost like a-

My throat went dry and my heart started beating frantically in my chest. Like a memory.

I stood up and paced the room briefly remembering I was at Didi's house. She was the only person I could think at the time to stay with.

No way in hell I'm going back to my place. Not when every word spoken to me is probably a lie.

With a sigh I walked to the balcony and looked at the calm sky. Didi's house was huge, probably one of the biggest in town.

I saw a glint of water and smiled.

They have a pool.

Without thinking much I ran downstairs and made my way to the backyard, the pool was huge.

I got on my knees and put my hand in the water. I wasn't allowed near pools, Stephan restricted every form of swimming for me.

Probably because the second time I tried to kill myself was by drowning in the sea at night on the beach.

Unfortunately, I was found before any real damage was caused.

I don't know what came over me, maybe its the way my bones ached and my head pounded or the memory I had that was a faint reminder that something happened to me, yet I can't remember. Maybe its the way my heart aches at the thought of a sister.

I jumped in.

I was floating at first, letting the water seep through my clothes and relax my tense body. After awhile the idea came, it was plain straight for me to see.

I could do it.

No one was here, it was dark. Someone could come down tomorrow morning and see the floating body of a dead girl.

I closed my eyes and let go feeling all the oxygen leave my lungs and a hurtful pain in my chest, I smiled.

I've been hurt so many times and I'm sick of it, so sick of it. My once happy life was torn away from me, so many things taken away from me...

My parents, my happiness, my dignity, my passion, my friends, my love, my....virginity.

Can you blame me for wanting to leave.

The pain in my chest increased and I smiled. This is it.

I felt a pair of hands pull me up and drag me out.

Coughing and spluttering, I shook in anger. Why? Just why?!

I looked up and saw a set of pale green eyes staring at me in worry.

She engulfed me in a hug but I didn't hug back. I was in tears.

I failed. Again.

I felt nothing and everything at the same time. My head was spinning and my heart pounding in my chest.

Mocking me, it was mocking me.

Didi stared at me, "are you okay"

I blinked at her.

Standing up, I ran to the house and entered the room, making sure to lock the door.

I grabbed a piece of paper and pen and began to write a poem, something I always did when I feel toxic.

It comes like a tide, washing every happy trace in its path
It spins you round and round, showing you its horrible rath
It burst you open and bring out every emotion, every passion, everything you never want to feel
I feel sadness
I feel my heart swarming in my chest
I feel the hot tears that never want to rest
I feel pained and punch everything in sight
But I just aint doing anything right
Sadness
Madness
Why must anyone have to suffer this?
Why can't we all just live in peace?
I want to
I really just want to
Be accepted
Be liked
Be loved
Be happy
But its often those who seem the happiest that are broken inside
Broken
Yeah, I like that. It suits, rhymes with unspoken.
That's what I am, an unspoken who just never wants to be awoken.

I took a deep breath and dropped the pen, knowing the familiar empty feeling.

The one that claws you and kills you, the dark void in place of were your heart should be. For me that only ever means one thing.

My demons are back.