The Beauty & The Tragedy

This Is Not Happening

"The doctors haven't given us an update but I'll call the OR and see if I can get you one shortly." She finally spoke after what felt like forever.

"That's it?" I asked disbelief. "That's all you can tell me?"

Ritchie must have heard the tone of my voice because he quickly led me away from the nurses station before I could make a scene. My hands were shaking as he sat me down in one of the awkward and uncomfortable waiting room chairs. I was certain that I was in hell. I couldn't imagine my current situation being anything but. If waiting was a form of torture, it was certainly working.

"How bad was she Rich?" I asked the exhausted bodyguard.

"I don't really know..." He mumbled. "I couldn't see her...I was strapped to a gurney..."

"She's gonna be alright...right?" I asked no one particular. "She's stubborn and...."

"I don't know Sel. I just don't know." He interrupted gently.

***

Six hours later I had the answers that I had so desperately been waiting for. The problem, was they were worse than not knowing. Not knowing meant it wasn't real. Now that I knew, I had to face the reality that nothing would ever be the same. Ever.

"Mrs. Lovato?" A tall gray haired man asked as he approached me.

"Yes." I answered weakly.

"I'm Dr. Douglas. I operated on Demi." He explained. "Come with me and we'll talk." He said softly.

"Where is she?" I choked out as I stood to follow him.

"She's being moved to the ICU." He explained.

"Is she alive?" I asked despite the fact he basically already confirmed as much.

"Yes..." He hesitated.

That small hesitation spoke volumes to me. I followed him into his office and he closed the door behind us. He looked exhausted and he gestured for me to take a seat before he let out a deep sigh and spoke.

"There's really no gentle way to say this." He said sympathetically. "The impact of the collision broke Demi's back causing her spinal cord to sever, if and when she wakes up from the coma...she will be paralyzed from the neck down permanently."

My heart stopped as I tried to process what he had just told me. She would never play guitar or walk again. She'd never be able to pick up our children. She would be rendered completely dependent for the rest of her life and that was the best case scenario. The other alternative was something that I simply couldn't handle.

"What do you mean if she wakes up?" My voice trembled as the tears started to fall.

"She suffered a traumatic brain injury. There's a lot of swelling. We've given her some medication that will hopefully reduce the swelling, but only time will tell. Her condition is severe Selena. The prognosis isn't very good. I'm sorry."

"I'm not understanding..."

He looked at me with sympathetic eyes as he chose his next words carefully. He felt sorry for me and even though I could hear what he was telling me, I refused to believe it. It wouldn't sink in. I felt disconnected as if this was happening to someone else. This couldn't be my life. My life was different. My life was perfect.

"There's a very real chance that your wife is going to die."

The words seemed harsh but he said them gently. I needed to hear them for it to be real. Demi was going to die. One way or the other, the person I knew wouldn't exist anymore. As I sat there frozen in place, I couldn't help but think that this is not happening.

"When can I see her?" I whispered as a steady stream of tears slipped down my cheeks.

"In a little while. We'll let you know."

And just like that I was once again sitting in the waiting room. To say I felt numb would be an understatement. There weren't words to adequately describe the range of emotion I was currently experiencing. I'd liken it to having your heart cut out with a dull knife.

"Ritchie." My voice trembled once I found the strength to speak. "Call Jamie."

He nodded as he brought his cellphone to his ear and walked outside to make the call. I couldn't do this. I needed someone else to manage this for me because I was breaking into a million pieces. Jamie was that person. She was the only one I could trust.

It took Jamie twenty minutes to get to the hospital. She'd move the earth if I asked her too. The look on her face as she approached me said it all. I immediately burst into tears as she hugged me tightly.

"I am so sorry Sel." She mumbled as she held me. "So sorry..."

I didn't say anything. I just cried in her arms as she sheltered me from the outside world. She didn't tell me it would be ok. She didn't say that she understood. She simply acknowledged that something terrible and scary was happening and that she was there for me.

Once I calmed down enough to compose myself. Jamie took over. She started making phone calls and taking care of all the notifications. This entire situation was going to blow up soon and she made sure to get out in front of it. She had called Demi's mom for me. I couldn't do it. She made the flight arrangements and took care of everything so I could process what had happened. I still wasn't sure and I was nowhere near ready to accept it.

I sat in silence as I waited to see her. My face was expressionless and blank. Jamie offered me food and water several times, I simply ignored it. Despite the eerie calm that graced my exterior, inside I was a mess. Inside I was dying.

When I was finally able to go and see her, I had to do it alone. I was the only person they'd allow in her room. I was terrified.

It was unreal to me. When I walked into that hospital I wanted to see her brown eyes look into mine. I wanted to hear her voice tell me that everything was ok. Instead, I saw her laying there full of tubes and wires. She couldn't speak. The only sound was the steady whoosh of the ventilator as it forced her lungs to breath. Forced being the operative word. Without that machine, she'd be dead.

She looked so fragile and small laying in that damned bed. I hated it. Everything was so sterile and cold. I took a step toward her and my legs almost gave out. Luckily, a nurse caught me before I crumpled to the ground. I felt so out of it.

"I know sweetheart." She said gently. "It's hard. Take your time."

She continued to support my weight as I tried to let the initial shock of seeing Demi laying there wear off. Once I was able to continue, she released me and I inched closer. As I got closer, I could see the extent of her injuries. Her face was swollen and bruised. She almost looked unrecognizable. If it wasn't for the tattoos on her exposed arms, I wouldn't of believed it was her. The woman in this bed didn't look like my Demi anymore. My Demi was full of life. My Demi was the sun.

I was afraid to touch her but the desire to do so outweighed the fear. I gently ran my fingertips down her arm toward her hand, tracing the IV tubes as I did so. Her skin felt slightly clammy. My stomach was in knots as I tried to make some sense out of what was happening. It still hadn't sunk in. Hours ago she was smiling brilliantly as she declared her love for me. Now she was laying motionless, attached to machines and covered in bandages.

Without a word, the nurse brought me a chair. I automatically sat down as I stared at the woman I loved more than anything. I didn't know what our future held at this point, I just knew that for right now she was still here and that's all that mattered. I couldn't see beyond that because of I tried to, there wasn't anything.

I was vaguely aware of the steady stream of tears that rolled down my face. Reflexively, I'd wipe at them from time to time. The last time I saw her kept replaying over and over in my head and I couldn't get over the night and day differences between the way she was ten hours ago and the way she was now. It didn't make sense.

In the end it wouldn't matter. Nothing would. No amount of hope, no amount of wishing would change anything. It would never make any sense and that was the worst part about all of it. The question of why would never be answered. It just happened for no reason whatsoever and I was powerless to change it.

The only thought that ran through my head was simple. This is not happening.