All The Memories That We Made [Completed]

The truth

The sun shines as fiercely as ever, sunlight reflecting everywhere. I stare ahead of me, driving on, smoothly, never stopping.

We reach a motorway. We keep going, on and on. About driving for another fifty miles, She tells me to stop the car, and I do. The view ahead of us is calming. he color green everywhere, In the tree  who stand tall, their leaves dancing in the wind, in the long grass, that spreads everywhere.  The ground smells damp, flowers grow everywhere, white daisy dancing in the wind, their white color standing out, a pure white.

A calmness grabs hold of me, surprising me. We get out of the car, lock it and walk on, not saying anything, just breathing, calm, too calm. The shade of the trees feels more comforting more than ever. Calm. Calm. Calm.

'This way', she instructs, and I follow.

It suddenly feels like I'm back at time. The same view meets my eye as it had done before, in the picture. Long long grass, few flowers, few trees, a sweet secant in the air. I look around, heart begging me to stop. This is too much, though it's too simple. I turn towards her and find her standing motionless, staring at the river. A tears falls from her eye, runs down her cheeks. She doesn't wipe it away. Another, then another tear.

Slowly. They fall slowly. Quietly, clear, sparkling. Her eyes full of something. I grab her arm, lean my head on her shoulders, feeling deep emotions, still unable to reach out to her.

'I miss him'.

Her voice is so soft, I hardly hear it. I choke on my tears, confused. I don't know why I'm here. Why we're doing this, but it's like something that needs to be done. I need to know.

'Which way now?', I ask softly.

She shakes her head, tears finally coming out freely, fast. She wraps her arms around me, head on my shoulders, sobbing freely, saying it over and over again.

'I miss him. I want him Sarah. I need him'.

I don't know what to say, so I just hold her, like my little baby, feeling like my life has turned upside down, feeling a hopeless feeling inside me rise up, choking me. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with myself. How could I know what to say?

'I love you', I say. And then I say it again. Again and again. Because she needs to know. She needs to hear it because she hardly ever heard it being said to her.

'Tell me, please', I plead with her. 'Take it out'.

More sobs. More tears. Then,

'He was hurtful that day. We fought, and I screamed at him, told him that he was selfish, and to freaking leave and he actually did'.

More tears. A voice that breaks. I can't even speak. I don't know. I don't know what to say. Or how to.

'He just wouldn't help. He knew it was damn hard for me. How could I be a perfect Mother when I hardly had a perfect Mother myself? I was hurting every day in those days. She just kept calling me, begging me to let her meet you. But how could I Sarah? How could I let the women who hurt me so much meet my daughter? But no matter how many times I told him this, no matter how many times I said this to myself, deep down I knew. I knew it wasn't just hurt. I didn't wanted her to fall in love with you, since she never loved me'.

I shake my head. This doesn't make sense. I can't get what she's talking about.

'What do you mean Mum?', my voice breaks too. I'm breaking all over.

She doesn't stop crying. She cries harder. Harder and harder.

'I did it. I was the reason. It was getting out of hand. She wouldn't stop. She was following him around. Everywhere. In work, at home, not giving a shit to the fact that I lived there and told her she was not welcome, and he was actually listening to her! He just kept saying to let her, just for one time, as if that could ever happen. I kept thinking she would hurt you, or worse, love you, the way she couldn't love me. I refused. I lost it. I started screaming, crying loudly, saying that he was forcing me. The police came and took him. They kept him for a whole day, until at last, one police officer let him explain what had happened. He came home, and I hated him. I hated each inch of him. I wouldn't let him touch you, because I was sacred. I was hopeless. I was broken'.

And just like that, I'm broken too. Everything breaks. Every promise that she made. Everything she created. My life. Me.

I pull away, not knowing what I'm doing. I step back, away from her, away from my broken Mother.

'Explain'.

She keeps shaking her head. I can't do this anymore. I scream, at her, hurt beyond any hurt I have ever felt. 'Explain!'.

'Just explain. Please explain. I'm begging you'.

My throat feels raw. Everything hurts, but I know. Something is wrong here. There's more to the story. I need to know, more than ever, or else I'll go crazy.

She looks up, and her stare kills me.

As much as I try to hold it in, the pain come out like an uproar from my throat in the form of a silent scream. The beads of water start falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. I step back, away from her and try to scream, but my voice is melted by the sound of the place. The muffled sobs wracked against my chest. The world turns into a blur, and so do all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything is gone. The last painful emotion slam against me before I lose the feeling of feeling. Everything darkened into nothingness as I shut my eyes, tears still streaming down my cheeks.

I know. It makes sense as much as it doesn't. I know, bu I want her to prove me wrong. I want her to comfort me like she always does. To reach out and hug me and never let go. But she doesn't even move. Not a single step.

Then. 'Sit Sarah, you need to know, I'm sorry. For keeping secrets, for pushing you away, for everything. Just give me one last chance', she takes a deep breathe and her voice breaks as she say 'Please don't leave'.

I slump on the ground, everything a confusing blur.

'I only wanted to hear the truth'.

Her lips trembles but she purses them.

'I had to hide it, because it was ugly. Lots of truths are way too ugly to be told'.

I shake my head, closing my eyes for a second, my head hurts. 'I don't believe in that. Just please.., tell me. Everything. I need to know what I'm living for. I can't live a worthless life'.

She smiles a broken smile. ' Of course you can't Sarah. It's just that I did'.