Summer of '07

Paradise Lost

Chapter 35

June 2019

~ELIJAH~

I knock on Travis's apartment door with a trembling fist as my heart aggressively pounds within my chest. I have no idea how he'll react when he sees me and I dread the possibility of him not wanting anything to do with me ever again. Of course, that's certainly in the realm of possibilities considering that fucking voice message I left him a month ago.

He soon opens the door, and to my surprise, he doesn't look angry at my presence. If anything he comes across as more confused than anything else. "Elijah... what are you doing here?"

"I came... I came to see you... I needed to talk to you," I manage to choke out as I feel like my throat is closing up in anxiety. Damn, I'm not usually this nervous. I actually think that I'm shaking. Fuck.

"Talk about what?" He asks, letting me in without hesitation. Damn, it's as if he never even got the message.

"About the message I sent you a month ago..."

"Oh, what's there to talk about?"

"What I said... Travis, I... I didn't... I was wrong before."

"O...kay?"

"I'm done with Michelle... for good. I choose you. I want... I want to be with you, not her..." I tell him as I look into his eyes, slightly clasping his hand.

He just smirks at me, as if unimpressed. He scoffs and replies with, "Right. I thought you loved her? Or so you said."

"I did... but not as much as I should've... not the way that I love you."

Travis doesn't reply right away, and instead breaks eye contact with me to look down at the floor. "I can't... Elijah, I can't do this anymore..."

I pull away from him, feeling my heart sink. No, not you too. "What? Why the fuck not?"

"Because I can't trust you to not break my heart the second you get cold feet again. It happened when we were kids and now it's happened again. You're never gonna change, are you, Elijah?"

"Travis, I'm sorry I said all that shit on the phone—"

"That doesn't matter... you've already proven to me that we'll never be able to have a healthy relationship. I'm not gonna be your little secret and I'm not gonna let you pretend like the things we did together never happened all just because you're not ready to come out." Oh, fuck here he is bringing up that "coming out" bullshit.

"'Come out'?! What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" I suddenly exclaim in agitation.

"Coming out is one of the most important parts of a gay relationship—"

"Who the fuck told you that?"

"What are you expecting, Elijah? For us to be together in secret for the rest of our lives? I can't do that..."

"Why not?!"

He just scoffs at me in disappointment. "Because that's not a relationship."

"Why do you have to make this so difficult?"

"Because I'm no one's dirty little secret."

I don't say anymore. Instead, I just stare down at the floor as I attempt to recover from this. Michelle hates me... now Travis hates me. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

"Besides... it wouldn't work between us anyways... not after what we did to Michelle... Elijah, we really screwed her over for no reason. I know I'm responsible too, but the fact that you were so willing to cheat on her makes me think that you have no concern for other people's feelings... and I don't want to be with someone like that. I'm sorry."

I just sigh, but I don't verbally respond right away. My cheeks suddenly start to feel warm as they grow sore, cuing the tears. Fuck, I can't believe I'm tearing up in front of him... I don't think I've ever done that before... not even when we were kids. Shit, fucking don't cry!

"Maybe if things had been different... we could have been together..." I hear him mumble somberly. Yeah, as if I needed to hear this right now. "It's too late for us now, though..."

"You're... you're the only person I have left... the only person that means anything to me..." I mumble as if that's gonna change anything. "... not that it matters though."

He doesn't say anything as we just sit in silence on the couch.

"Don't you wish we could go back to when we were best friends... before the summer of '07?" I ask him, to break the awkward silence between us.

"Of course, I do! Those were some of the happiest days of my life."

"Same... I miss it. I miss the way we were..."

"I know... so do I. I was always at my happiest when I was with you..." he says, and damn, for some reason that last part just makes me want to burst into tears, but I won't in front of him. Hell no! "Though, I guess it... doesn't matter now."

"No... it doesn't matter now," I say, trying hopelessly to keep the tears from slipping out of my eyes. "Goodbye, Travis," I finish, just before he pulls me into a hug... a goodbye hug, I suppose. I guess I won't ever see him again, will I? I hug him tightly, dreading the moment that I will have to let go of him.

"Take care of yourself, Elijah."

I finally pull out of the hug once I feel like it's time to do so. He grabs my hand really quick before I walk away and says to me, "I really wish things could have been different." You and me both, buddy.

"I know," I mutter as I slowly let go of his hand and turn towards the apartment door. Before I exit, however, I take one last look at him. "See ya, frat boy!" I add, with a smile, inciting him to smile back. I know he loved it when I called him that.

Once I've finally left his apartment and gotten into my car, I imagine myself finally breaking down in tears... but I surprisingly don't. At least not yet anyways. I take the long way home and reflect on the happiest times we shared together. In a way, I feel relieved that we ended amicably instead of the way it ended before, with me leaving him to bleed out on the park playground. I'm glad I finally got the chance to have closure with him after all these years. I may have just lost my own private paradise, but that's alright. I have no one to blame other than myself, afterall. I suppose I'll be spending the rest of my life trying to correct my mistakes. I've surely made a fuck-ton of them! I just hope that I don't make the same mistakes again twice.

As I arrive back at my house, I notice an unfamiliar car parked out front. Who the fuck could this be? As I drive up closer, I see a man at the front door speaking to Michelle. It's the same man I suspected Michelle of cheating on me with. I stop my car across the street and I can see that she hasn't yet noticed me. It is dark out afterall. I sit for a while and just watch the two of them converse, noticing Michelle's sudden change in mood since the last time I saw her earlier today. She looks happy; smiles out with a flirty demeanor. What the fuck? She suddenly leans in to kiss him and my heart drops into a black abyss of misery. I quickly start to feel sick to my stomach as the tears start rushing to my eyes and I finally burst into a sobbing fit.

Agony fills my body as I realize how fucked I was at this very second. I just wanted to scream in fury and anguish. This whole time I thought that I should be the one ashamed for cheating... guess I was wrong the whole time. So fucking wrong. I knew I should've trusted my gut.

I guess I had this coming. Karma's a real fucking bitch that'll come after people who break hearts. I broke Travis's heart... and now mine's broken too.

I sit back in my seat and in my mind, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I lost Travis. I lost Michelle, though it's clear that she never deserved me anyways. I don't really have anything anymore.

Once the tears have dried up, I start to laugh at my misfortune. If only I knew what I did to deserve this.

I start my car back up and I put it in drive. I then take off and drive away into the summer night, putting it all behind me as I reminisce the historic summer of '07 one last time. I turn up the music to full blast as I fade away into a state of euphoria, mentally preparing myself for the beginning of something new as I finally let the past sink into memory.

~THE END~