Summer of '07

Never Happened

Chapter 34

June 2019

~ELIJAH~

It's been over a month since I sent Travis that breakup message. He never called me back to reply to it... which is understandable. I probably wouldn't have either. In the meantime, my relationship with Michelle is still on the fence. She's gotten slightly less angry over the course of the month but we haven't exactly been on speaking terms lately, to be honest. She seems to be giving me the cold shoulder... which I guess I deserve considering the fact that I cheated on her, but at least she hasn't kicked me out... which is something that most wives do when they learn that their husbands cheated on them. Instead, I've just been sleeping in the guest room for the whole month.

It isn't until a gloomy day in June, that she finally sits down to have a conversation with me. "How long have you known?" It's a vague question, but I'm pretty sure I know what she means. Fucking hate this question.

"A long time..." I reply, vaguely.

"But before we were married, right?" Long before then.

"Yes."

"And you and him? How long have you been..."

"We hooked up once twelve years ago... and then again this past April. Those were the only times."

"And you still have feelings for him?"

"No," I answer falsely.

"How did it happen twelve years ago?" Strange question, but I guess I should tell her since I have nothing to lose at this point.

"At summer camp. We went to a motel room to have a threesome with this girl we both used to have a crush on... but afterwards, while she was in the shower, we... went down on each other. I stopped talking to him after that because it just felt so wrong. We stopped being friends after that."

"'Felt so wrong'... and yet you went and did it again with him... while we were married," she says with a calm yet frustrated demeanor.

"I did," I mutter with a hint of sorrow in my voice.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Like what?

"I wish I hadn't done it..." Do I really though?

"Why did you do it if it 'felt so wrong'?" I wish I knew how to answer that. "So let me get this straight, it 'felt so wrong' when you were a teenager who wasn't already married, but not now? Please explain that to me."

"It felt wrong both times," I mutter shamefully.

"If it felt wrong the first time then why'd you do it a second time?" Good question.

"Because I..." I clearly have no idea where this is going.

"Because you what?"

"Because I wanted him." That's literally the only way I could have finished that statement truthfully.

"So I see... you wanted him then, and you want him now. Ya know what, Elijah? Maybe you should just go be with him since he makes you happy..." Well, I mean, she's not wrong.

"What? What are you saying?" I know exactly what she's saying, but it just doesn't feel right for me to break off our marriage just so that I can be with a guy.

"I'm saying that there's no reason for us to continue with this marriage if you feel happier with someone else."

"You don't... you don't mean that..."

"Yes, I do. You should be with someone who makes you happy."

"You do make me happy." Does she though? Obviously I'm just saying whatever to keep her from officially calling it quits. Doesn't seem to be working though.

"No, I don't. If I did, then you wouldn't have cheated. It's as simple as that, Elijah." She then gets up from the table to abandon the conversation.

"So that's just it, then? Is there nothing I can do to make it up to you?" I say, turning around in my chair to face her back.

She turns her head slightly, softly replying, "I don't think so," before walking off and leaving me to myself.

In my mind, I'm hoping that she doesn't mean that. I'm hoping that maybe some day we can move past this and just forget about all of this shit. I'm hoping that maybe some day she'll be my wife again... but I know that that probably won't happen. Maybe it is over... forever?

I dread thinking about that possibility... knowing that I hurt two of the people I cared about the most and drove them both away at the same time, all because of my own stupidity. Obviously, I loved Travis more, but couldn't bear the idea of leaving Michelle for him. That's just so fucked up... but I guess it's no less fucked up than what I actually did. Now that my relationship with Michelle is hanging on the edge of the cliff, I suppose it doesn't really matter how fucked up it is, considering it's already done. There really isn't much else I can do to save it... knowing that I love someone else more than her.

A little while later, I'm looking through an old photo album that pretty much showcases the entirety of my life from the beginning of it to now. Of course, I come upon the Travis chapter pretty quickly and I can't help but feel emotional as I look through the old photos of us from sophomore year of high school, back when our friendship was at its prime. We were both so happy back then... it actually makes me want to go back to that time. I wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't ghosted him senior year. I wonder how things would have been between us considering what happened at the motel if I hadn't been such a coward. Maybe we could've been together. Maybe we'd still be together now. Everything would have been different. I never would have married Michelle... therefore, I never would have been in this predicament.

It makes me feel quite stupid actually. I knew that I was happiest when I was with Travis... but of course, I ran away. I never got the chance to be with him like I was with Michelle, and I'm starting to feel like that's my biggest regret. It's unfair really...

Having thought that through, I feel like there's nothing really more I can do about Michelle. That relationship is over. Hopefully, my relationship with Travis isn't lost forever too. I know that I fucked up, but maybe... there's still a chance there. If not, well then... I'm fucked.