Summer of '07

Beach Rats

Chapter 20

February 2019

~TRAVIS~

"What were you gonna say earlier that you didn't want to say in front of other people?" Elijah asks me, as I stare off into the black sky. For some reason, being here at a quiet beach in the dead of night reminds me of a movie I saw a while back. The movie was about a bored teenager who would hookup with older men, while simultaneously attempting and failing to have a relationship with a girl. Don't ask me why, but I've always really enjoyed gay cinema and being at this beach at this late hour with the man I've loved since I was 17 makes me feel like I'm in a gay movie.

"Ever seen the movie, Beach Rats?" I ask him, as I completely dodge his question.

"No. What's it about?"

"It's a gay movie," I reply.

"Oh, well, I don't really watch gay cinema." Why doesn't that surprise me?

"Really? Not even Brokeback Mountain or Call Me By Your Name?" Of course, I've seen all the mainstream gay movies.

He just nods his head. "I saw a lesbian movie called Carol."

"I like that one," I say calmly.

"Yeah... why we talking about gay movies?" Yeah, why are we talking about that? Oh, that's right...

"Because you seem to not understand the fact that I'm not... interested in women, so you can stop trying to hook me up with a girl."

"Sorry... I just thought that maybe you were—"

"Straight? No. If you remember anything from the summer of '07 you'd know that I'm obviously not." I mean, he should fucking know and stop pretending that what happened didn't happen.

"I was gonna say bisexual..." Were you, now?

"I'm not that either. At first, I thought I was... but I eventually found out that the feelings I had for you were stronger than the feelings I ever had for any girl. I remember when I saw you kissing Heather, I thought I was jealous of you, but the truth was that I was jealous of her... that was of course, before the night at the motel."

"Yeah..." He says, with a hint of discomfort.

"What about you?" I ask him, just to hear his response.

"What about me?"

"What are you?"

"Well I mean, I'm married to a woman so I guess it's pretty self-explanatory." Why did I sense so much tension in that response? What's he so tense about? Since he's married to a woman, you'd assume he'd be pretty secure about his sexuality.

"Is it?"

"Trav, don't do this."

"Do what?"

"This. You know I'm married."

"And I respect that."

"Do you? Because it sounds like you're trying to use the things I did in the past to—"

"'Things you did in the past'? Like what?"

"Okay, now you're being an asshole," he says, with increasing tension. Alright, maybe I am taking it too far.

"I just want you to admit it."

"Admit what?"

"What we did."