BARE SOULS: A STEAMY TEACHER/STUDENT ROMANCE

CHAPTER 61 | ZANE

My head was in permanent conflict. I knew I should have went when she asked me to, and I would have booked a ticket without thinking, if only the destination was any other city than the only one in the whole country that I was running away from. 

Too many memories. Good and bad. Memories that I was still not ready to share with her, even if we were getting closer and closer by the day, I still couldn't resolve myself to fuck up all the good we had by revealing my true self to her. After a year spent in Oxnard, I had managed to convince myself that I was another person than that guy I left in New York. But every time I looked into her eyes, I felt like shit for lying to her. 

Because I knew she would leave if she found out... and I was not ready to let her go. I selfishly wanted her to believe I was the Zane she met until she moves on.

I knew she was stressed to death. I knew she needed me by her side. I knew I wanted to be by her side. It was too big of a step for her to do it on her own. But the coward I was couldn't even give her support when she needed it the most.

    "What the fuck? Bro, sorry but you're a dick!" Rick said as I gulped my last tequila shot. 

    "Don't start..." I threatened him with a glare.

   "No, seriously. You're the reason why this interview is happening. You know the girl has never been through any Uni interviews...  fuck, she even asked you, and you're not even going to make the effort to go with her? You are a major dick!" he laughed. "I seriously don't understand what she sees in you..."

I couldn't understand it either. "I just can't go back there..." I mumbled.

He frowned. "Nobody's asking you to move back there... Just spend three days there with your girl who needs you..."

I rubbed the top of my head wondering what could happen in three days... A shit ton of stuff could happen, and considering I have never been a lucky winner, I was almost sure I was on for the worst if I flew there.

   "There's too many people in New York. You won't meet her, you know?" He continued as if he read my mind. "When are you finally going to move on?"

It's not like I wanted to keep remembering. It's not like I didn't want to move forward. I just simply couldn't stop hurting, and the pain was as vivid as before. There was no denial, no bargaining, no depression and no acceptance. There was just anger and pain in my void. 

   "If you have feelings for that girl, then you can at least give her that much..." he added. 

The me before would have refused to even hear that word. But I couldn't deny my involvement with her any more. She was the only soothing thing in my life then. She was the only thing that kept me from turning into an emotionless animal. Feelings? Yeah... I guess I had some of those for her, and that was precisely the reason why I couldn't go.  "If I go... she will end up asking questions about my life there. I don't want to have to lie to her..." I answered before ordering another well needed shot of tequila.

     "She's gonna need to know at some point and you know it. The closer she gets to you, the harder it's going to get to avoid talking about it... Besides... I think it's obvious that she is insanely in love with you... she will accept as long as you're honest with her."

I had no doubt she loved me. But she loved the Zane she thought she knew. "You're wrong... Once she finds out the truth... she will never look at me the same way... and that's why I don't even want to chance it."

He frowned, thinking for a long minute, before finally understanding. "Is it why you made sure she would study on the other side of the country?" I could sense the disappointment in his voice.