BARE SOULS: A STEAMY TEACHER/STUDENT ROMANCE

CHAPTER 43 | HARPER

I was disappointed. When he accepted to come to my place, I had my hopes raised up. When he touched my hand, he set my whole body on fire. When he looked into my eyes, it confirmed me once again that I was madly in love with that man.

But he just left with my notebooks instead. I was so desperate for any form of contact with him that I ended up giving him consent  to read my most intimate thoughts.

My past, my present and what I imagined my future to be, every single of my funniest, deepest and darkest fantasies and realities were in these pages. And will know absolutely everything about me.

I was frightening. Terrifying to have the man you love know absolutely everything about you. But in some ways, it was exciting. I guess I wanted him to know me. I wanted him to be the only one to know me that well. Because nobody else could. Nobody else would. It had to be him.

In the form of poems, fictions, and diaries, I have laid on that paper every single facts of the past 18 years old of my life. The only notebook I kept locked up in my drawer was the one that nobody could read. Not even him. The notebook about him.

I accepted that he read about my life but refused him to know about my feelings for him. Because he couldn't know. Not that that I had a chance to get closer again.

During the whole weekend, I jumped every single time my phone chimed. Every single time, that nerve-racking feeling was choking  me when I checked at the screen of my phone. I was scared to read about his thoughts on my work. Scared about him learning everything. But above all, I was afraid of his judgement.

Whether about me or my writing, that was what scared me the most.

Why was he so convinced I could pretend to be part of a great university such as Columbia? I had no idea. He always told me he liked my style but I never thought it was enough to lead me somewhere. I still had no clue of what I wanted to do with my life but the fact that he could see something in me that I ignored made me feel a little more confident.

I loved the trust he had in me. I loved what he saw in me. But I wished he could see more than the good student in me.

As the hours passed, they transformed into days and my phone remained silent. Monday was a holiday and the lack of feedback was making my anxiety grow. I thought he would have called me or text me. But he did not. Not a word. I ended up feeling that I disappointed him. It was probably not as great as he initially thought after all. I knew it....

Back to school and I was full of anxiety and anticipation. I was scared to enter the room but impatient to meet his eyes, so I could know... I could know from his expression how bad I did.

My heart was beating at full speed as I entered the classroom. By chance, he was not here yet. I walked to my regular seat and pulled my stuff out, trying to calm down. But after 5 minutes of panick, the counselor stepped into the room to let us know that Mr Jackson was on a seminar and that he will only be back on Friday. Class dismissed.

It came as a relief and a disappointment at the same time. I couldn't wait to see him and was anxious about it at the same time. Ever since I met him, I realized that I went through so many mixed emotions and was feeling more and more lost when it came to understanding his motives. 

Everyday, I was checking at my phone for a sign from him that never came. At some point, I was even trying to figure out if it was ok to text him. But we just started to talk again and I didn't want to look like I was pushing to hear from him. I did not want him to feel pressured. 

But Friday came and I knew he was coming back that day. I was sitting in class, half excited, half panicked, waiting for him to appear. 

    "I don't see you going to any parties anymore..." A voice echoed next to me, making me jump.