Unsaid

chapter seventy

Matthew and I stayed with each other for hours, I'd like to say I comforted him as much as he did me but it just wasn't true, I was as useless as he claimed to be.

It was only a few hours later, pushing in to the early hours of the morning that I heard a faint knock on my bedroom door.

Neither I nor Matthew said anything, and yet my father still walked in. He had dark bags under his eyes, he looked exhausted, worn down to a thread as he jerked his head to the side as Matthew sat up.

"Your mother and I want to speak to you both downstairs." He mumbled, his voice soft and quiet as he disappeared again. I looked to Matthew worriedly as he tightened his grip around me and shook his head.

"it'll be okay, just you wait and see" he whispered kissing the top of my head and standing up pulling me with him. "I promise you, come on" He eased pulling me reluctantly down the stairs, and sitting on the couch opposite my mother and father.

I say beside matthew, to be honest, I tried to sit as close to him as possible. Despite our wavering relationship Matthew was my rock and was able to hold me together in all situations.

My parents sat opposite us, beside each other, and although they sat close, you could see the distance between them, you would have been able to notice it if you'd had been a complete stranger.

"I want you to know, that what you heard earlier wasnt true whatsoever" my mother started, nervously fiddling with her fingers as I bit on my nails. "I'm your mother, and nothings ever going to be able to change that, I love you both so much." At that point my mother glanced at me, as if to say that despite her complete hostility towards me, somehow she did love me. Although I had a hard time believing her.

"But, we know you've noticed the little changed in home life" my father continued. The conversation sounded so planned out, like all they had been doing for the past 3 hours was writing a script of what to say to their two children, they'd even planned out who would say what.

We all know where the conversation ended, it wasn't so much of a conversation as a speech, or an explanation, there was no conversing- my brother and I sat silently, soaking in their words, letting them play over again in our heads. I was surprised no tears slipped out of my eyes like they had been earlier, I felt nothing now as my childhood nightmares were becoming a harsh reality.

"And this doesn't mean you wont still see your father, you will, you can even spend half the week there if you want, but we just cant stay together anymore, there is no love in this family anymore, so its time to call it a day" my mother sighed as I stared blankly down at her hand. I had realised a couple of minutes ago that she no longer wore her wedding finger, and no matter how hard I thought, I couldn't decide whether she had just taken it off tonight, or if it had been missing from her finger for a while, I'd been too oblivious to notice anything else going on around me.

"You're wrong" My brother laughed as I glanced at him. "Don't you say that there is no love in this family because that's a lie? There's no love between you and dad, but there is love in this family, you're just blind to it" My brother said, his jaw clenching as well as his fists.

Before my mother or father could respond my brother had stormed out of the house, despite the hour, I didn't worry though, Matthew was never home anyway, he was always out.

"Sophie do you have anything you'd like to say or talk about?" My father asked leaning forward and offering me a sympathetic smile as I shook my head, returning the smile as I looked away. did he think this was some sort of therapy session? As if the two of them throwing their divorce at my brother and I wasn't enough to handle, now they expected me to talk to them about it, tell them my 'thoughts and feelings' as if I had been sent to one of those therapists that insist on sitting on bean bags and using puppets.

if I were going to discuss this matter with anyone, my mother and father would be the last people I'd consider.

Although, there was so much I wanted to say. This was a nightmare that had followed me around since I was a child, a literal nightmare that would haunt me, despite the fact my parents swore it would never happen. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry and I wanted to yell, and accuse them of everything they did wrong, how badly they fucked up, how badly they had fucked me up.

But instead I shook my head and walked back upstairs. Crawling in to bed and falling asleep far too quickly.

...

The next morning came around far too quickly, even though I had only fallen asleep a few hours previous.

Nonetheless I picked myself and got myself ready for school. I couldn't be bothered to do anything with my hair or my face, so I tied my hair up in to a high bun and left my face bare as I walked downstairs, almost instantly spotting the three suitcases by the front door, sending my heart plummeting as I realised this wasn't just another nightmare, but that this was actually happening, now.

"Sweetheart, you don't have to go in to school today if you don't want to, they'll understand" My mother whispered clutching her steamy cup of tea as I stared up at her. For the first time, she didn't have makeup on, nor was her hair in curlers. There were bags under her eyes, her face was make up free, and tired, her hair hung raggedly, falling in loose waves around her shoulders, and she sat in a cotton shirt and pyjama bottoms. Never had I seen my mother look like this, or act like this.

And although I knew I should have said something endearing, or comforting as it was clear she was taking all this hard, I couldn't find the words to say, after everything she had put me through, I couldn't find it in me to smile.

"Never have you called me sweetheart before, don't start now" I whispered far too harshly and stood up leaving my breakfast on the table and leaving the house, walking to school, far too early and knowing that when I would arrive back home this afternoon, those suitcases would be long gone.

I watched as the school filled up, I had arrived at half past seven, despite the fact school didn't start till nine. I felt nothing, I just stared at the displays on the wall quietly.

"Sophie where have you been?" I watched as Niall rushed over to me, closely followed by Louis, and my friends, which surprised me, Niall and my friends, together.

"At school, I've been here a while" I shrugged looking up at him and smiling softly as Niall sighed and sat on the table in front of me, leaning forward and kissing me softly as my friends sat around us.

"You should have come to me." He whispered as I looked up at him knowingly.

"So you know?"

I don't know what I had expected. Matthew was the schools central gossiper, I never thought he'd spread gossip about himself and his private life, but apparently I had thought wrong.

Everyone around me nodded, frowning as I sighed and shrugged.

"It really isn't that big of a deal, I mean, come on." I laughed, the laugh felt forced and uneasy coming out of me as I went quiet again, glancing at the clock on the wall.

"Its getting late, you all need to get to form" I mumbled as Liam and Danielle disappeared and Louis took his assigned seat next to me.

"I can stay? I don't care honestly, or I can take you home? Anything?" Niall whispered crouching down beside me as the teacher walked in frowning at Niall. "Anything" he whispered again as I shook my head.

"Im fine, go, I'll see you later." I whispered putting on a smile as Niall sighed and nodded, kissing me softly, despite the class full of people before disappearing down the hallway.

Louis tried to comfort me in form but I just pulled away, I didn't need any comfort, or sympathy, I was fine.

At lunch, walking out on to the field I saw Niall, standing beside my friends, and even more to my surprise, Harry, Rhiannon and my brother. I knew that they were looking, waiting for me, but I didn't want to talk, or smile, or anything.

So instead of walking over to them and putting on a face I left the field and walked down by the caretakers sheds, sliding down one of them and pulling out my sandwich, eating it quietly.