Noor

5

• N O O R •

Fatima was busy blabbering about the book she is reading I think a Helwa or something like that, I blocked her off a while ago drowning into my sea of thoughts

"Princess Noor!" I turned and spotted khairi, she was with a guy who was carrying her, he was backing me so I couldn't see him only his charcoal grey shirt

She wiggled of his hold and ran to hug me "khairi" I got down crouching her level as she hugged me "princess noor I missed you so so so so much" she grinned and opened her hands demonstrating the 'so'

"I missed y..."

"Khairi let's go!" I looked up to the deep voice and he was staring down at me with piercing light brown eyes, khairi grabbed on to my abaya and pouted

"But I want to stay with princess noor" she whined and he sighed pinching the bridge of his nose as he carried her "I'll get you plenty ice cream, yeah?" He smiled at her and she nodded still not letting go

"You can just leave her, I'm friends with her mum" I spoke my voice light but audible "I don't leave her with strangers" and with that he walked off, how annoying

"Bye princess noor, I'll call you with Maamis phone" she grinned and waved as I waved back and she turned to the guy and started talking

"That was intense" Fatima spoke up, I swear I even forgot they were there "can we go?" I asked standing up and they nodded

——

We arrived at Amnas house in about 15 minutes and we all settled down relishing the sweet, cold moment finally out of that hot sun

Amna sat beside me and held my hand and I knew she was about to say something long and boring

"Noor! You know you can let us in, right?" She looked at me and I nodded looking into far space "please do, even if it's only Maama" she squeezed my hand

"Noor, everyone around you is hurting you're not the only one and many people have been through that also but Noor...." I cut her off before she could go any father

"Don't....just don't even go there Amna, many people what? Have been raped? Have been used? And so what if they have, we don't share the some bodies nor the same pain so you can't compare me Amna I'm sorry if I'm hurting you but I like myself like this, Noor it's Qadr , Noor Sabr , Noor this , Noor that I'm honestly fed up I want to move away from all these judgmental eyes who just pretend to care and sympathize,

I heard Anty jumai when she said that why wouldn't I get raped that children of nowadays that will be dressing anyhow and showing their bodies anyhow, how can your relative say that about you for goodness sake, I blocked myself out from all those things

   I refuse therapy, I refuse rehab and I refuse to heal myself because of the real world, I've seen already Amna, I've seen it, people say that you don't see the cruelty of life till you lose a father, despite me losing him I didn't see it till now, till everything was taken away from me, Fatima you don't expect me to just forget everything and start a fresh right cause thats fucking impossible, I'm sorry if you expected more from me"

By now I was enveloped in Fatima's warmth as Amna held my hand and sobbed "I'm so sorry Noor, nobody saw it from your perspective"

"Just this....Allah never burdens a soul with what he cannot carry, believe in Qadr, that's all I can say" Fatima spoke her voice hoarse

"Noor?" Amna called and I looked at her "There has been a proposal and the elders took it but they still want a final answer from you" I looked up at the four swollen eyes and smiled, it was a dead one, one that had no emotions whatsoever one that said I was done