Pieces of Me.

Zero to Hero.

06/04/2018

I don't even know what to say or think.
My thoughts are all over the place.

I didn't have closure for almost a month, and now I do.

We broke up.
And I'm still in love with you.

I'm still in love with the old you and it kills me that I'll probably never see her again.

The one I love would never do the things you did or said about me that you don't even know I know.
And I will never tell you, because it won't change anything.

It kills me that all I want to do when I see you is jump into your arms and kiss you but as soon as we lock eyes I see that it's not you in there anymore.

Do you feel the same?
Because I realized I'm not the same anymore either, and I hate it. I hate the person that I've become.

It kills me that I'm not the same anymore.

I lost my magic.

But I'm not going to cry crawled up in a ball in my room, I'm gonna fight.

I want it back.

I want the person I truly am back and I'm going to do everything it takes.

I need to remember everything that made me, me.

I need to remember why stars were so important to me before our moments under them.

Why rain was so calming before our first kiss.

I need to remember why the autumn leaves were so beautiful before you started offering them to me like flowers.

Not just everything that involves you, you're not the reason I lost myself, I am.
I let myself slip way before all of this.

I was a dreamer- you know what? No.
I am a dreamer.

And I have hope.

And I believe in everything and everyone and I probably shouldn't because that has gotten me in a lot of trouble but that's who I am.
(I guess I'm also a rambler)

I'm a believer.

I can believe in scientists when they say the earth was created by natural events and I can believe that some powerful energy created it.
I can believe that nature and energy helped each other out.
There are so many possibilities.

I can believe in god and Satan.
Watch me.

I'm also shy.
And a god, awful liar.
I'm annoyingly insecure, but that I will work on changing.

I'm scaredy person but I will work on being brave.

I'm sensitive, for some people way too sensitive but that I will not change. At least not for them.

I believe that one can never feel something too deeply, if you do it's because it's true.

I'm childish, I've been acting like a stupid adult because of all the fucking pressure everyone is putting on me.
But I won't succumb to it anymore.

I like plushies.
I like to tell people that I love them in baby voice.
I like to have fun, I like to party.
I get excited when the sky is um pretty colors.

You know what I also used to do? I kept changing my room because I believed if I put myself through small changes the big ones wouldn't hurt as much.
So what did I do? I changed my room (which is stupid since I will be moving in a few weeks but fuck it).

This all seems so easy written in pretty words, but it's not.
My life is not suddenly rainbows and bunnies and now I'm happy.

I'm not happy, and I'm still hurting for numerous reasons.

But I will fight.
I've got a long way ahead.
And it will be hard.
And will want to give up, but I won't.

Because I want myself back more than anything.

And when you want something it will not fall from the sky and no one is gonna hand it to you. You have to fight for it and earn it.

I feel like I'm on a mission or something.
I have to save the magic from the darkness' hands and find myself in the process.

I'm the writer of my own story.

So we'll see how the story ends.