Pieces of Me.

The Grey Shirt.

02/06/2017

When you're a kid all you want is to grow up. Not me.

I loved being a kid. I loved dressing like a princess. I loved wearing flowery dresses and shirts with animal on them. I loved wearing big fluffy jackets in the winter and never feel cold. I loved leaving my hair loose so I could feel the wind moving it in a perfect way.

But when I got to 5th grade I didn't want that to change like most girls who at the time started to wear black leggings and PULL&BEAR sweatshirts. So that made me feel different but at the time I thought different was good. Little did I know that I would be a target to other girls because of it.

One day I went to school wearing a beautiful tiara from Claire's that my mom bought for me. I was so happy. But as soon as I entered class I started hearing whispers about me. One of the girls, the queen of the class, out of the blue says loudly "Omg, what is she, 5 years old? Even if she was, she would be the ugliest princess of them all" and everyone laughed. That broke my heart. After she said that I took off my tiara and placed it on the table silently.

That moment was when it all changed.

In 6th grade I finally got the courage to start using teenage clothes. I cut my hair and even went on a diet. I felt good about it, I felt grown up. In the beginning I didn't have much clothes from my new style but I thought nobody would notice because I always built different outfits. I had to work with what I had at the moment because I had spent all my savings in those new clothes and didn't want to ask my parents for money because they were both going through a hard time financially. But one day when I entered school I heard the queen's best friend yell "Why is she always wearing the same clothes?". That made me mad as hell. I mean, how could they always find something wrong about me? Why did they even care?!

7th grade came and I was happy to have a different class, so happy. Over the summer my personality changed a bit, and so did my clothes.

I wasn't dressing like a teenager or a princess anymore because I found a new style. Emo. And because of that I made a lot of friends 'cause somehow at that age everybody wants to be friends with "the dark one".
I even dyed my hair a strange purple color. I wanted it black but my best friend didn't let me (thank God).

When I visited my step-sisters I had to wear all those childish colourful clothes. They liked it so they thought I did too and I never had the courage to say that I didn't anymore. But that didn't make me not wear what I wanted on the other days.

At some point I got tired. I felt fat with all those dark baggy clothes. I wanted to feel sexy, and because of that I started wearing super tight and short clothes, and even started to put on make-up. I didn't want people to see me like that ugly and fat girl anymore.

I wanted to be wanted, I wanted guys to find me attractive.

That was when I started trying all different shades of red hair dye, but at some point my hair always turned orange and I hated it. I felt childish because when I was a kid I wanted to be the mermaid princess of the orange pearl.

That went on until the end of  9th grade.

At first I liked the attention the boys were giving me but I stared getting tired of walking on the streets and have guys of all ages making comments about my ass or boobs telling me I was beautiful.

"They should be ashamed of themselves"- I thought, but at some point I realised that I should be ashamed too.
I was the one with my butt almost out of the shorts and wearing shirts almost showing my boobs. I was the one dying of coldness in the winter because I didn't want to wear warm jackets because I thought it made me fat.

All I wanted was to feel sexy but I felt like a slut. And that is not sexy at all...

One day I was at H&M and tried on a nice grey shirt. It looked good on me, the neckline was a bit big, but the first thing I thought was that it didn't show enough. It was just 3€ so I bought it anyway and when I wore it I pushed down the shirt to make the neckline bigger. That was before I realised I didn't like to dress like a whore.

I finally understood that I didn't have to dress slutty-like to feel sexy. I didn't feel sexy, I felt cheap.

So I changed my style again.

I wanted to look like those cute tumblr girls but I didn't have the body so I just started wearing basic clothes, always around black or white and dyed my hair back to brown.

When 10th grade winter came along I was able to wear a warm pretty jacket without feeling bad about myself and I dyed my hair ombré blonde.

Some things happened and at some point I stopped going to school.

Because of that I felt free to wear whatever I wanted because nobody would judge me. I wasn't afraid to go out without make-up if I was too lazy to put it on. I wasn't afraid to put my hair in a ponytail if it was greasy. But I still felt a little self-councious about my body so instead of cry at night or starve myself because I didn't have the body I wanted, I started exercising and eating healthy. To my surprise I started to get confident and I wasn't even close to the body I wanted. And that was good.

Today I was late to go have lunch with my grandparents so grabbed my ripped jean-shorts quickly but then I couldn't decide what shirt I should wear. I came across a grey shirt and the first thing that came to my mind was that the neckline was way too big, but if I wore a necklace or something it would look good and the shirt was really pretty.
But I didn't wanna wear it. I didn't wanna become that slutty-dressed girl. That was not who I was anymore, what if I wore that shirt and wanted to be that person again?!
I didn't want that to happen... But I realised it wasn't going to.

Your personality doesn't change because of the clothes you wear. I still am that slutty girl. But I still am that princess, I still am that teenage girl, I still am that emo girl, I still am that basic girl. I'm all of those girls, that's what makes me, me. So I put on that slutty-like shirt, my basic shorts, my emo sandals and my princess necklace.

I have my own style. And I am not gonna wear a crop top if I'm cold, I am not gonna wear a certain type of clothes just because people say I shouldn't dress so childish, I am not gonna wear all black and ripped clothes just because I want to have more friends, I am not gonna wear covered up clothes because I'm ashamed of my own body, I am not gonna wear slutty clothes so I can have the boys attention, I am not going to starve myself so I get skinnier.

I am gonna dress however I want, I am gonna wear makeup if I want to, I am gonna wear shorts if I want to, crop tops if I want to, heals if I want to, big warm jackets if I want to, I am gonna exercise and eat healthy not just because I want to be skinnier, but because I want to be healthy.

And my favourite color is not pink anymore, or orange, or blue, or black, or white. It's grey.

I'm proud of myself for what I've learned and happy that I have been through all those fases and found my own style.

Clothes don't define who you are, you do.