Lollypop

Discussion

DISCUSSION

 What "Ready For Action- Before The End" and this story have in common is that both have begun- in a dream. Yes, I dreamed them, for "Lollypop" I also got a name in a dream. Not unusual to use dreams in stories ("The Devil's Town", "13 Deaths", "Amortica"), but here the dream was intertwined and unclear, it had more to do with the end. I got ideas while I wrote, especially what happens after the game , having written down on paper what vehicle of transportation is in the challenge of that day. In the dream I had myself, the person I call Orange and the third person who is the living version of my Barbie, we entered the last city from the story walking on the main road. Before that "Orange" has humiliated me and yet another person has said bad things about me, glorifying her, so I ran to the bridge from the story, where they don't find me because I already disappeared in water. Name of the story just jumped out, so then , still in a dream, I dreamed that I was writing this story and that I was already on half of writing. Then I dreamed again in my dream to wake up from that dream and write a story. It was crazy, in the end I really woke up and thought about writing a story, but this time for real .:D

 The topic is ... I don't know. It's an abstract idea of a story, I don't know what exactly can be a topic. Yes, I wrote about what was obsessing me, but it's not a topic. I definitely wanted to beat what I dragged from the past by creating characters like people I remember, I think I would be ready to face it in real life. The characters and their features are part of the imagination (except Orange and Apple, although for their actions I wouldn't be sure neither, I can't accurately write about the real person ), it doesn't have to mean that with certain characters I would agree better or worse- this is a fiction and it should be looked on that way. It was not a intention to insult or glorify someone, human behavior is not constant- I hope that things would now be different than before. With  "Orange" I share some entertaining memories, but lately I was too exhausted to spend time with her, just like with many people who just want me to be funny and silly, I don't doubt that she would want to talk with me since the beginning but simply she is not kind of a person I can get along with. The fact is that I sometimes avoid telling people that we are having completely different views on some things and unmatchable attitudes so that we are not really made to be friends, I'm afraid to hurt that person, so I usually remain silent and hurt myself instead that way. These are some confusing things, it's not important for discussion; interpersonal relationships are not a static thing anyway.

 The plot of the story is, in reality, probably impossible, but I wanted to make sense when it's already started, no matter how silly it sounded. I think a regular stay in the hotel would have the same effect and cost less :|. This would cost too much and yet there wouldn't be a real purpose of it, in the story money is not important as in real life.

 The end ... it shows (since it was written from my angle, it would be impossible to write the interaction of all characters, there are too many) that in depression the bigger problem is what we become in time while that what has led to it becomes less important. In the story I am not broken by the fact that I meet these people, they don't even bother me too much (I know that some things are different, but I can't be sure how- people change in different directions, I see on my own example), but the knowledge that I have already become what I am and there is no turning back and what is ahead doesn't attract me any more. Realization that it becomes more and more difficult by the time and that the past is a shadow that seems unrealistic only contributed to my fall in the story, although this same past holds me in the bottom. I realized that the problem arose even earlier and these were additional circumstances, not the cause of a particular problem. So, that period was adding an oil on fire, not the fire itself. I wish I didn't gave importance to people who can't endure me, that's  just a waste of time- why are you trying to get around those who obviously don't want you or don't understand you, if someone else might be happy to know you? I think I really seemed resentful because of my fear, looking like a bad person for it, but that doesn't mean that I had to be the target of a mockery, so I won't defend them because I didn't attack any of them.

 This is an addition to one of the "13 Deaths" stories, I don't apologize for my reactions during the writing, I apologize if someone has been insulted in any way. I don't doubt that I would be much worse described by someone else, I needed this story to not hate them, but to help myself to continue. I hope that my nightmares will disappear with this, I'm tired of dreaming this goddamn place, although I still have songs about this topic. (2019 edit: currently I still dream of this place as much as before, but for now not in a disturbing way, I hope it will remain so)

 I put in a part about my district to remind myself that I no longer live there, that it's time for my mind to accept the fact that these are other people, most of whom I don't know, and that people who I think I see are hallucinations.

 What I know, maybe to some this story will be interesting or cause someone to clear some of their past events. I don't know about others, but this story has brought me bit of calming, it calms me because I know I don't have to run away from anyone anymore. Here I am, this is me, the way that time has created me, I tried to maintain myself and extracted the best that could have been drawn. I grew up and learned to accept human mistakes, weaknesses and differences, I don't want those who will condemn me because of my weaknesses and differences (which, more or less, is one of the main reasons for avoiding "Orange" in real life, I wouldn't need someone to look at me from the height just because I suffer from depression and think about my death). I want to be less paranoid about the environment, this is only the first step. Maybe one day I manage to be proud of what I am and to be satisfied with myself. Maybe. Hardly, I know, it's still me.

 The End, it was enough, my brains doesn't work anymore.

5.2.18 year