Lollypop

5

The next day we went to the next city with karting cars. More or less we all arrived at a similar time, it was interesting to drive in a small car. I can't wait this to end, I already feel psychically exhausted.

 I'm sharing a room with Cherry, I'm just going to sleep tonight in this room. Spying? No ... maybe. Well, whatever, you caught me. If I can know the purpose of life, I can know the purpose of this nonsense as well.

 I hear her in some room. They come out of the room, one gives us instructions and the other one is accompanying him. They talk: First: "It's already near the end, there's only a little left. The contestants are having fun and that's the point." Other: "Yes, but don't forget the other thing." I got back when they went to the other side. Seriously, fun? It's not fun for me to tremble when I'm confronted with memories or to be afraid that certain people don't tell something that would cause more reactions. And what's the other thing? I hope it's worth this charade.

 The next challenge was to get a taxi and reach a destination distant from here several tens of kilometers. The same taxi can drive forty kilometers, then stops. To avoid staying in the midst of the wasteland I suggested that we change the taxi in each populated place. Some of the others didn't foresee that so they arrived after us. I didn't bother Almond and Lime, I was again staring out the window with headphones on my ears.

 From one big city to the other, we are back in the hotel. We have a day of break after the next challenge because it's more difficult than the rest, but there's another long day and boring evening before it. As I was tired I got into bed and fell asleep, not hearing even when Raspberry went into the room.

 They took us to the river and said that rowing is the today's task. Delirious. We have come across this river, which is a very important to the place where I am and to us as a family. Mostly for the negative things, but without it there would be no the fertile land that feeds us, so you see. Everything has a positive and negative side in life. We were supposed to reach the mouth of the river, where our river really begins. This is also it, but only part of it, as an inseparable thread. We rowed silently, approaching the goal until the evening began to fall. The moon illuminated the surface of the great river, making it less scary in my eyes. This water seemed so calm, so safe ... We arrived at the target, but I realized that my goal was all the time in front of my nose ...

 Blackberry pulled out my name so we settled into the room, after which she went to dinner. The Pear pulled something out of Orange, so the disaster could begin. Trouble, wait a little, at least to sit nicely so you can hit me faster.

 I thought about the river. We spent the whole day on its surface, is that calm under the surface too? It would be for me. I can't lie I think about it for the first time, it's a thought that has been possessing me for years, dragging a handful of such ones with it. Somehow I am at home, but I feel like I'm on a deserted island, far from everyone.

 Blackberry entered the room and behind her appeared more, wanting to know if it was true. I: "What is it? If there is something about traveling on Jupiter, I don't think it's true." Lime: "Pear found out that you have wounds on your arms! She says half of your arm is in the wounds and scars, and that you tried to kill yourself and have taken too much pills! We also heard you had anorexia. " I (shocked): "What? (keeping calm) I'm going to ask her where she got that from ..."

 Of course I didn't go to her, I know that someone else is guilty of this and you probably assume who. The question is: should I slap her, strangle her or something else? I'll see what I have inspiration for.

 I knock. She opens the door and go inside, I don't care about decency now when she made such a stupidity. I: "Why did you need this? You couldn't keep your mouth closed!" Orange (naive): "What are you talking about ? " I: "Don't pretend you don't know, you're the only one from here who knows about it! What is it, you think I'm a lower species if I live with a depression? You think I'm a sinner and guilty for something that I can't control? Come on, say it, tell me what else you want from me, what the hell? Why are you looking for the trouble?! I told you to leave me alone, you didn't have enough, did you? " Orange:" I didn't say, Pear did! " I: "You told her, it's not the episode of the TV show so that you can nonchalantly tell it to everyone! (she starts to cry) Don't play a victim. Just don't. I know you since we were kids, I am sick of it. It's not the first time you do it, you are telling the class about my privacy and then I'm the object of the mockery. Are you aware of what you've told them this time? Are you aware how the others will look at me now? What if they put me in the clinic for that or keep me in constant supervision? You also have something what are you not talking about, but I didn't talk about it because it's no longer my problem, why did you betray me, why ?! " Orange:" You've changed a lot, you're not as before." I: "Exactly, now I know myself better, I no longer tolerate what I don't have to, but no one else would tolerate it that way neither. Act as an adult and face the consequences, we are not ten years old anymore. This is a goddamn reality, everybody has something that hurts him. You from my pain, from all the years of the struggle to continue and trying to fulfill my only goal in life, made a rumor, something insignificant. You lost all respect from me, you lost everything because of rush. I no longer exist for you. (coming out) "

 I went back to the room rushing, trying to avoid the rest. Blackberry was in the room, so I asked her to lock the door, which didn't bother her. Blackberry: "Have you talked to Pear?" I: "She did nothing, we haven't meet since the eighth grade- how would we know such things? " Blackberry: "Who spreads these rumors? I don't know how that sort of thing came to their mind at all, that is a little bit odd." I (looked at her): "Because ... it is the truth. (sigh) Not rumors, not fictions. The bloody truth. " Blackberry: "But .... but ... how?" It means that you are ... "Me:" Yes, my arm is full of scars, I was one time addicted on pills and alcohol, tried to  commit suicide, I don't know why would someone make a drama about it. I don't know why would someone make a drama about my problems, I didn't even bother closer people with that, let alone to explain to them who I haven't seen for a years. " Blackberry: "Well, yes, that's not something that should be told to anyone. They shouldn't say that this way, now everyone will annoy you." Me: "This is a big hotel, I will be able to take another room tomorrow and to flee away from everything. " Blackberry: "And that ... you did that earlier? Right?" Me: "Depends on what you're considering by earlier. Several days ago could be called earlier." Blackberry: "Does that have something to do with the railway station several days before?" I (nodded my head): "It's been following me as a shadow since the elementary school, somewhat before that other event happened ... If there was no music to keep me going I wouldn't last for so long, but even that collapses in front of my eyes. I became dead inside, I don't know who am I ... That evening I had a worse depressing phase, then I usually do things that can kill me. " Blackberry: "You would jump under the train if we weren't here?!" I: "Maybe. That's I went there, but there were plenty of people so I couldn't do it. Maybe it's better that I didn't while this competition or whatever it is lasts, but it's good that the end is near, I'm tired of this. " Blackberry (breathe in): "Is there no way to get back to normal?" I: "There is that thought that keeps me at the bottom, which is thinking about the life cycle, I can't move further from it. Never think about the life cycle, believe me that it only leads to ruin. If there was a certain problem I would already solve it, the problem is that I can't stop looking at too wide a image, yet that image persistently puts me in despair and takes my will for life. "

 Blackberry: "Wait, why is the life cycle a problem, how can it bring someone to suicide?" Me:"I can't explain it to you, it would not be difficult to describe with words, but it's difficult when these words reach the brain. It's better not to talk to you about it, the fact is that I gave up everything. " Blackberry: "You can't give up just like that! There are so many things worth living for, you have to fight to get out of it. Otherwise ... you scars ... that's why you're always wearing long sleeves? You was wearing them and before, did you do that back then? " I:" Not back then, I started in the meantime. I didn't like to wear short sleeves anyway, but now I have a specific reason not to do it. One thing is sure, I'll wear them for the rest of my life (I look down at the floor) " Blackberry: "Oh, God ... Can't it be healed or removed?" I:" It heals to a certain limit, after that remains so, there can't help nor creams, nor it can be covered with makeup ... It doesn't matter, I'm always dressed in lot of clothes, and I'm used to that scene. " Blackberry (sighed): "And now you're going to spend your whole life wearing long sleeves?" I: "It will not take long, anyway. (approaching the door) I think the hallway is empty, I go to the reception desk to take a room." Blackberry: "If you think it is the best way feel free to do it, but tell me where you are, to make sure everything is fine. " I: "It will be fine, I can't leave Lime and Almond alone, they would hate me. This competition is stupid, but I'm not going to be a jerk." Blackberry: "Wait, I'm going with you. I promise I won't tell anyone which room it is. " Me: "Sure, let's go."

 I wanted a room on the lower floor, not to get into the temptation to fly down to the sidewalk. Blackberry: "I'm coming tomorrow as soon as I take the chance." I (laugh): "You don't have to, I know to keep myself safe." Blackberry: "Yes, I saw several days ago at the station." Me: "It happens from time to time, not constantly. Thank you for everything." Blackberry: "I didn't do anything special." Me: "Many would instantly run away from me. Well, I'm going until somebody sees me. You go too, it's been a hard day. Good night. (gently)" Blackberry: "Good night, I'll see you tomorrow."