Smile For Me || Niall Horan

26: Forgetting You

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met. It can't be done.

Claire and I ate our dinner in silence. "I'm finished," she says, looking at her half full plate of food.

"Claire, don't waste your food."

 She glares at me.

"I'm full," she states with a certain finality in her voice. She's only four, almost five, but she acts much older at times. It bugs me.

She leaves her plate and storms to her room, closing the door roughly. This sort of thing happens every night. She's had an attitude and a certain dislike for me ever since we moved to our apartment, away from the boys. I take a deep breath and go to clean up the small kitchen area.

After the tour, when I went back to the boys’ house to gather my things, I didn't want to leave. It felt like home even though I hadn't lived there for long.

Claire was in tears, grabbing onto their legs and refusing to let go. It made me get emotional and I had to try and stop myself from letting tears fall.

Niall has repeatedly apologized to me. I keep telling him that he doesn't need to. I just need a break. Maybe a very long break. I know it seems stupid. We both still love each other, but we broke up. But I just couldn't keep finding myself in that same situation where I felt he was cheating on me with Maggie. Even though I knew it wasn't true, that it couldn't be true, it was still emotionally traumatizing to think that it was true even for the smallest of seconds.

I know he wouldn't though. He wouldn't do that and I trust him enough to know he wouldn't. But every time I saw them together like that I felt this rush of pain and for the slightest moment I hated both of them. I couldn't keep going through that.

Claire is now basically against me. She hates me for leaving the boys and rarely talks to me unless she has to. Not that it's been much easier on me. I miss them like no one could know. Every day I just want to pack up all my things, take Claire, and run back to them but I can't.

I don't really talk to them anymore. Speaking to the other boys reminds me too much of Niall and when I think of Niall I want to run back into his open arms and apologize for ever breaking up. That's something else I can't do.

I can't get hurt anymore and love means pain. I've had enough pain in my life and I really don't need anymore. My happily ever after actually did end when Jake left. It was crushed like a bug. All my hopes of ever finding love again. He took that all with him.

It's been about two months since we returned from the tour. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to my brother much. He's sent me multiple emails, texts, and voicemails asking about me and Niall's breakup and has called me probably a million times. I ignore it all because I don't want to talk about Niall. I might convince myself to take him back if I talk about him.

Besides, it's not like I need a lecture from my over protective big brother about how I should have been more careful and cautious and blah blah blah. He warned me and I know if I tell him what happened he will rip into me about how he was right and how I should have listened.

I've been working hard on my album. It was recently released about a week ago and has been extremely successful since. I've been super busy lately with interviews and signings and concerts. It's insane really, but I'm living the dream. I love it more than I love to do anything else.

I finally quit my photography job. It didn't end too well between me and Uncle Dave, but I'm glad I finally got out of there. I never actually finished all that work he sent me on tour so he was pretty pissed about that.