Last Kiss Goodbye • Teenage Juice Ortiz

11 - Loss For Words

June stood still only three feet behind him. Should she tap his shoulder, call his name? She couldn't budge, even her tongue was lying in her mouth like a dead weight. She couldn't do this; she really hadn't thought this through.

Suddenly he turned around. His eyes widened as he saw her and in her shock June stepped back. She stammered a few incoherent syllables as heat was taking over her face.

"June..." he stammered as well, even though he could at least formulate her name. "I... What... Sorry..."

His cheeks were as red as hers had to be. It looked so sweet it made something explode in her stomach – something soft, something nice. Shyly she crossed her arms in front of her chest, her hands reaching up and holding her shoulders in an attempt to calm herself. Say something to him, June. Come on.

But her head was empty. All thoughts had drained away. She looked up at him, lost, suddenly wishing that she had never gone after him. It felt like people were looking at them, as if they were all laughing at her.

Like Emilio and Mateo had done.

Just like she thought Juan Carlos would do, the minute he would come to his senses and realized she wasn't the girl he had been thinking she was.

He rubbed at his neck, looking away from her. The traffic light had turned green in the meantime, but he paid no attention to it.

"Sorry. For a moment I thought – well, that you had come after me. Which makes no sense at all. It's just a coincidence you're standing here. I just – I just thought I recognized your smell and then I turned around and..." He took a deep breath. His cheeks became even redder as his eyes became downcast. "And now I'm saying all those stupid things. Sorry. I will leave you alone and I hope my brother and friends will do the same."

He thought he recognized my smell?? June's bewilderment at his jumbled speech made her jaw drop. Sure, his scent was unique, and every time he was around it swept her off her feet. But she had never imagined that her own scent would make her stand out; she never wore perfume or fancy lotions, nothing special beside her deodorant.

June realized that she still hadn't said a single word, after Juan Carlos at least tried starting a conversation with her.

"I – It isn't a coincidence that I'm standing here." She swallowed with difficulty. Why was it so unbelievably hard to talk to him? She had the feeling that every breath she took had the potential to suffocate her. "You – you seemed upset when you walked away. And I – I don't want you to feel bad. Es-especially not because of me."

"Because of you?" He took a step towards her and looked her right in the eye. June felt herself start to sweat. "June, you could never make me feel bad. Well, except for maybe yesterday," he added muttering. "But that was my own fault. I never should have asked you to prom, I mean you don't even know me!"

June bit her bottom lip. He was so sweet. Suddenly she longed for his touch again and with all her heart she wished he would caress her cheek once more. Nervously she put a strand of hair behind her ear. When she didn't know what to do with her hand, she fussed with the pendant around her neck; it was a rough, round piece of silver that had the Japanese symbol of hope etched into it. Her father had given it to her as a gift, right after her mother had been diagnosed with her disease. She always wondered if he had already known at that point that he would no longer be in her life a year later.

She shook off the memory and aimed her attention back to Juan Carlos. Skittishly she looked up at him. What would it be like, to go to prom with him? To be pulled close by his arms during a slow dance? Was there a chance he would try to kiss her? Butterflies raced through her stomach as her mind wandered once more. Her lips felt dry, but she didn't dare to wet them. Not when he was standing so close.

"I..." Her voice trailed off. She didn't know what to say. His eyes widened a bit as he looked expectantly at her. She bowed her head again, ashamed that she couldn't even say a full sentence to him.

She heard his feet shuffle across the ground. He was probably leaving, and why wouldn't he. She dared to bet he had never met such a strange girl.

"You eh... Would you like to get an ice cream? With me?"

June felt her heart falter. How was it possible that he still hadn't gotten tired of her and her inability to even have a conversation? Internally however felt boiling hot, so ice cream wasn't a bad idea at all. Even though she doubted her body temperature would drop as long as he was around and the thought of licking an ice cream cone while he was with her, was already embarrassing her. Keeping silent however wasn't helping anything, so she carefully looked up to him again. "O-okay."

A giant smile spread across his face and a bit dazed she stared at it. A deep warmth bubbled up inside her. Suddenly she wanted to touch him, as if she needed the certainty this wasn't one of her day dreams, but that he really was there showing her such a smile.

Holding her breath, her thumb moved to his face as if she was hypnotized, brushing along his bottom lip. She heard how he gasped for air and startled she pulled back her hand, looking anxiously at him. In his eyes she saw her own shock reflected.

"Sorry, I... uh..." she stammered. Her lips were trembling, she felt so nervous that all the warm feelings he had called up vanished and were replaced with anxiety and the urge to cry at her thoughtless action.

The smile didn't leave his face. "You don't have to apologize. I loved – I mean, there's nothing I want more than..." He swallowed, pressing his lips together and closing his eyes as if he was deep in thought.

In a flash she was brought back to what Emilio had told her: that his friend wanted to have sex with her. But that wasn't something that she wanted, and she didn't want to give him the impression she was ready for something like that. She stepped away from him, staring at him in confusion.

"I – I should go home." She stammered, wanting to walk away, but just like yesterday his fingers snaked around her wrist. The fact that he kept her from leaving again, reminded her of stories she had heard about his brother and she froze with the thought.

"Please, let me buy you an ice cream. You know, just to make it up to you a bit 'cause of my stupid brother and friend."

Bowing her head, she stared at his fingers around her wrist. His grasp felt firm, but not compelling, like she had been worried about and his thumb was softly brushing her skin leaving tingles behind.

When he let her go after apologizing ‒ again, her arm felt cold.

"There's this little Italian ice-cream parlour just on the other side of the road."

His voice sounded fragile almost as if he had given up hope and she had the feeling she would break her own heart if she rejected him again. So she breathed out shakily and nodded. She didn't dare to look up at him; afraid she would get caught in that smile again. A shiver crept down her spine. What insanity had made her caress his lip like that? Was it the same thing that happened to him this afternoon, when he touched her cheek? Could he also not control his actions? Did he also feel so confused? She thought about the words Beth had snarled at him in the hallway and imagined that he felt more embarrassed than she did now.

Hunching over a little June walked past him, crossing to the other side of the street.