Don't Say Anything

41. Oh.

"William," she smiles brightly at him. "I have something important I need to talk to you about." Will's eyes widen and looks over at me. "Oh, Jessi, honey. I didn't even see you standing there. Did you have a good time last night?"  

"Yes, it was a fantastic event. I'm sorry I never said hi. I must have missed you."

"We just stopped by. I wasn't there for very long. I was fortunate enough to hear William's speech." She's brings her attention back to him and he rolls his eyes.

"Anything else Leah?" he asks. I hope this doesn't ruin his good mood. He's not going to tell me anything if he's pissed off. Maybe there is nothing to tell. Maybe I'm just looking into this too hard. He's had a rough past, so that's probably the cause of his peculiar behavior. It's not his fault.

"Oh, yes. I need to talk to you." She looks at Will and glances over at me. I understand what she's getting at immediately.

"Do you want something from the kitchen, Will?" I ask as I make my way over to where Leah is standing.

"Wait, wait, wait." He holds up his hand and I stop mid-walk. "Is this about the asshole leaving?" he asks Leah and her face falls.

"No. Ethan isn't-"

"Then it's not that important. You can tell me after Jessi leaves."

"Will, you don't have to do that. I'll just leave for a second."

"No, you can come sit down here," he says patting the couch next to him. "Leah was just leaving."

This makes me feel so uncomfortable. I don't want Will in a bad mood, but I don't want to be rude to Leah either. She should be able to have a private talk with her son without me interrupting. I stand awkwardly between the couch and the door waiting for one of them to give in. I have a feeling it will be Leah.

"It's okay. We'll just talk later," Leah says and then disappears back into the hall. I knew it.

"Couldn't have been that important or she would have been more persistent," Will mumbles. A little bubble of anger is gradually growing inside me.

"Is that what you do to everyone?" I ask and my tone has got his attention. "Sometimes people can only be so persistent Will." 

"She could have told me while you were here."

"But she didn't want to. She wanted to talk to you alone." I keep my voice at a normal volume. The last thing I want is for this to turn into a fight within the first five minutes of me being here.

"She doesn't always get what she wants."

"But you do." 

We almost never fight. I actually can't remember the last time we did, if ever. Every tiny thing that I've pushed aside seems to be resurfacing in my mind.

"Pretty much," he says without hesitation.

"Did you ever stop and wonder what other people might want?" Now we're completely off the topic of Leah. I don't really know how to argue where she's concerned. It's really none of my business anyway.

"Yeah and they sit right underneath my wants."

"So you're really saying you care for nobody but yourself."

He pauses. There, I've got him. He's told me he cares for me, and I know he does for Leah. I don't think he tolerates many people, but there are a few.

He sighs. "That's not what I meant," he says softer.

"Then what do you mean?" I walk over and sit next to him on the couch.

"I care for you Jess. I've already told you that and it hasn't changed."

"But you don't want me to be your girlfriend," I say as a fact.

"Why are you so fucking stuck on that word?"

Now he's getting mad again. Crap. Calm down Jessi. Calm down.

"I'm not, I just... I don't know. It seems like you're embarrassed to be with me."

He looks at me like he's been slapped.

"How could you ever think that?"

Oh, he's given me plenty of examples.

"You won't tell anyone we're together."

"That's because we're not!"

Now I feel like I've been slapped. I don't let my face show any emotion. He can't know how much he means to me if he doesn't feel the same. It's humiliating. 

"Why not Will? We basically are."

"No, we're not." He shakes his head like I've said something impossible.

"You said you cared about me."

"Friends care about each other."

What does he know about friends?

"Friends don't flirt with each other over text messages. Friends don't go on dates to abandon amusement parks and closed baseball stadiums and out to dinner. Friends don't scale builds to hand deliver a designer dress. Friends don't say how much they care about each other in an, apparently, misleading way." He stares at me, frozen. "Friends don't kiss each other!"

He gains he composure back in less than a second.

"I do a lot more than just kiss people who I hardly consider as my friends, Jessi," he says coldly. 

Oh.

So this is what it comes down to. I'm not like those girls who go to all the college parties. I don't feel comfortable doing all that... stuff with Will. Not yet at least. I haven't really thought about it too much. I thought the boyfriend title was the first step, so it hadn't really crossed my mind.

"You don't want to date me because that would mean you can't hook up with other girls?" I can barley recognize my own voice. It sounds high-pitched, abnormally quiet, and like I'm holding back tears, because I am.

He doesn't look at me. He doesn't say anything.

What have I done to myself? I'm completely infatuated with someone who doesn't care enough to stick to only me. He still hooks up with other girls. I feel like throwing up. Just the thought of someone else's lips on Wills makes me sick. He can't possibly care for them like he does for me. So why does he do it? Why isn't he willing to give it up? Does he rely on sex that much to get past his demons? Quite frankly, I'd rather have him be an alcoholic. Then at least he could be with me and we could work from there, together.

"I see," I whisper when he still hasn't responded. "That answers a few things." This is not at all how I thought this conversation was going to end up. "I should go."

I leave the brown bag with the dress next to the couch and quickly exit. I look back at him, but he's still looking at his hands. All the way to the car, I pray for him to come out and stop me, but he doesn't. It must be true then.

No. No. No!

It can't be true! After everything we've been through. After everything we've done together. After everything he's told me. He's going to throw it all away so he can sleep with random girls at parties? That's not the Will I know. It might have been the Will I used to know at the beginning of the school year, but it's definitely not the Will I know now.

But I can't go back. He didn't say anything to defend himself or deny my accusations. I'll just have to wait and see what he does. I don't know if he even wants to be friends anymore. It would break my heart. I care for him so much, obviously more than he cares for me.

Oh, why have I done this to myself? 

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Will's POV tomorrow so things will be explained! Don't stress... yet.

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Tack sa mycket. Jag alskar dig. 

(Thank you very much. I love you.) x