Angel Eyed (DISCONTINUED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE)

twenty four

I couldn't stay longer, my feet leading themselves away from Bill as I ran off, my vision spinning as I break into tears again for the millionth time today. The cold brushed over my face, stinging my nose as I heaved. I could still hear him calling out to me and I didn't dare look back, the sight of his face only bringing me back to the monstrosity he did to me. He wasn't supposed to do that! I wasn't supposed to do that, we aren't like this! We were never like this, how dare he?! My lungs squeezed, the surrounding streets emptied of any human being yellow lamp posts lighting up the sidewalks. I wanted to scream, I wanted to break my vocal cords, I wanted to get hit by a car again and die. How did I think this would work?

I knew from the beginning it's either I hurt him or he hurts me, but I never realized the possibilities of him hurting me. I thought he could never. I thought he would never because I couldn't think of anything he could do other than tell me hurtful things, but I was wrong again. I didn't think it through enough, I was more concerned for the words I would say to him than the words he could possibly say to me because I didn't want to hurt him again. A whole year of friendship, just gone in one gesture. I couldn't help but wonder how we became these people. Is it even still my fault? Of course it is, but why? All I wanted was for him to stay and not leave me, just until I'm ready to let him go. All I wanted was to not lose him, I never asked for him to fall in love with me, I never asked for me to accidentally ruin us.

At the end of the day this is all Stella’s doing. This is her fault, if she wasn't such a bitch about it I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. If by any chance I get to go back to last Friday as Bill as trying to catch me on the bus stop, I wouldn't even consider riding that train, even if it means getting away from a confrontation.

I didn’t know where I was going, yet I continued to run through the empty pavements. I just needed to get away as far as possible. If anything, I wanted to jump off a bridge and end it all but I was too much of a coward to do so. Thankfully the streets were empty, and no one would be a witness of the childish weeping escaping my tear ducts. I was surprised I even had the energy to run from the exhaustion and the lack of sleep, nonetheless I have stopped caring. I was still in a daze, the sting of his lips previously against mine racing through my head and I hated it. I hated it more than anything and as if that wasn't enough, it was all I could think about as I was greeted by more streetlights and closed up establishments.

Running wasn't going to help, and in no time I was already panting like a dog, the tight knot in my chest sending my balance all over the place. My knees crash onto the grey cement of the sidewalk, my arms supporting me before my face crashes next. Breaths left my lungs too soon and I try to catch my them with no much luck, dark circles floating around my vision. My arms and feet swelled, but even that wasn't enough to block off the waterfall in my eyes, the dry concrete being stained by dark grey as my tears fell on it. My throat finally give up on suppressing the sobs begging to come out.

I was tired of crying, tired of trying. I've been awake for almost two days and I didn't want to deal with guilt and regret anymore, nevertheless it's all I can feel as I knelt down my knees and arms in the middle of the fucking street.

I was stuck in some kind of loop of fuck up, one moment I’m oblivious of the consequences ahead, the next I’m sobbing my throat out like I didn’t expect it to come; and every time I'm given the chance to get out I always shove myself back in. Bill was right. I did this out of desperation because I couldn't stand the sight of him hating me anymore, and I downgraded myself to this person just so I could have the peace of mind I've been wanting to have for almost a week now.

I truly am selfish, am I not? I've been so busy attempting to tape my life together, I don't even know what's happening to Angel anymore, or if she's even worried about me. If she were here she would know what to do. She would know how to make me stop crying. She could be an ass sometimes with advise, but she's still my cousin, and she's good at making people feel better, It doesn’t always work on me but it was always a good escape. She's always been braver than me. Other than that I haven't talked to my mother in weeks and I can only imagine what my inbox looks like but that was the least of my worries right now.